i dont know if you still read these but i still feel so unlovable. i feel like a failure for asking my mom for help with school work i feel like a failure for cutting im sorry if im being annoying with my vents. i had hoped id be better now, but im not. but maybe this weekend i can relax. but probably not.

last night i told my recruiter that i had been hurting myself since saturday he said it was okay not to overthink i said sorry for wasting his time he said we could call in the morning (today) and not to worry, just that i should rest something about that just struck me i guess it was because it seemed genuine and like he cared fatherly and my dad never did that for me when he said that all i wanted was to be held i dont think i'll be doing Special Warfare anymore. i dont know. he hasnt called or reached out yet. i tried to tell my mom that i wouldnt pass MEPs (which is an in-depth medical checkup that all military has to do no matter your subfield) i know i wouldnt pass because my SH is recent but when she asked why i said that i couldnt tell her i havent told anyone nobody but anyone reading this and my recruiter, i mean. i want to but everytime i try i get choked up

weak i think that its safe to say thats what i am i can barely pick things up i can barely hold heavy things for a while i can barely defend myself i cant even stop myself from opening up that little drawer with it in it it frightens me a little i never thought this would happen ive gone so long just burying it all though that i should have expected this a snap, i mean suppose thats why ive not "bounced back" the pain gives me something to focus on i guess i dont like seeing them heal it upsets me i dont know why

my stomach has been killing me recently normally it hurts anyway but this morning started really sharp jabbing pains in my lower stomach ive never had something feel like that before im equal parts curious and concerned everytime i think about my legs my stomach starts to ache im tired my older sister decided to cut us off because we didnt go with her to a festival im being so serious. she said for me in particular that "she knows i have school and airforce and a lot going on but i could still go drive (on the INTERSTATE) to see her" maybe i could but driving on the interstate or any big cities scares me and i can barely get myself to go 30 minutes down to school i just want to curl up and cry

monday was good. better than this weekend. but yesterday and today were not great. i thought i'd be okay by now, bouncing back up like i always do. not this time. ive still had that urge. ive not done it in a day but i want to. i still dont feel much of anything. and going to class exhausts me. i slept all this morning and was feeling okay, then i go to class. on the way home my eyes felt so heavy. they still do. why am i not getting better i always get better i think i at least dont feel this shitty for this long i just want this week to be over so i can sleep during the weekend. i need to do dishes and clean my room. its my turn but i cant school is so taxxing right now but i know mom wont care