my skin some more im so drained i feel like a ghost is that my story? to try so hard, claw my way up into life, only to be invisible? will i ever be happy? or will i suffer and work until my death, never finding happiness? i wish i was 10 again when i didnt have all these feelings when i didnt feel so awful all the time when life was simpler but im 17 now. i'll be an adult soon. then what? i dont have a stable job my classmates are surprised by that they think im behind or maybe lazy. i just wish i have someone to hold me god knows my parents wont.

anyway not like anyone ****ing cares mom sure seems like she didnt she unlocked my door somehow last night and laid with me for a bit. at around midnight. i appreciate her trying to be there. but then she sent a text back with all these weird emohis and it just feels really insensitive. she even made a joke about it. i had gotten onto her for picking at her skin and she goes: "you dont have any room to talk, miss girl." maybe im just upset cause i thought she was gonna do something else react some different way but she just said "you can talk to me" and "you're not alone" and that was that. i was even more ignored today at school. and dont you know, the second i get home my dad is being an ass and saige is too doesnt help i dont talk much with alex here lately its been hard for me to try and say anythign i dont have the energy for a lot and the times that i do i get ignored maybe i should send the recruiter that text tell him im not going forward with the military just so i can rip up m

well, i told her i wonder what she'll say if she even replies i hope she doesnt tell dad he'd be pissed hes already pissy the rest of the time at mom, i dont need him directing it at me i feel like i cant breathe i locked my door i dont want to be seen right now i hope she doesnt come up those steps and try to speak through the door i dont want to be bothered i dont want to be cornered like that im so scared for what she'll say

im holding out for you and the ones i love for them not for me because i know they would all be devastated they wouldnt understand they see me laughing and joking everyday not knowing that i have cuts across my thighs im quitting band and im not going to be at school i only have one friend apart from him i feel so lonely i wish i had someone that could hold me tell me it'll be okay i need it all to be okay i lied a bit im actually really scared of death when talking about it, i imagine it so beautifully but when it refers to me i get terrified whats after death? how am i conscious right now? how was i not conscious before? what do you mean that i was just a tiny little egg with no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions? its so strange. its really scary to think about. will i fade out into nothing? is there an afterlife? i dont know but its so scary

i told my recruiter about my SH he said there might still be hope for getting into the airforce if they arent deep they arent but still, if they even see a trace they wont let me in and now im not so sure i even wanna be in the airforce anymore but im worried that i wont make enough money to survive i want to LIVE not survive. survive means scraping by. i want to be comfortable. happy. im so scared for the future. things are getting hard for new adults. im 17. he told me to tell my mom i plan to text her its too hard to tell her in real life i feel cornered and trapped everytime i try to think about telling her irl i dont want to see her face dont want to hear her voice when she responds to me i feel like a caged feral animal violent animals are just scared animals. and im really scared. and really tired.