i feel so ****ing alone. i just want to end it all. i hate being yelled at. whyd he yell at me what did i do why do people yell at me? i cut off two friends and everyone at school (im fast track meaning i take college in highschool so i dont go to the school). i feel so alone. i lay in bed doing nothing, wanting to just sleep wanting to just not be conscious. the only reason i havent is because i know my friend alex would be so sad. i dont want to hurt him. hes been abandoned and left before and i just want him to be happy. but im so tired. so burnt out. so alone. my parents cant stop fighting for more than a second and i have so much to do and im aiming for stuff thats so big and idont know where to start or what to do. but again and again im still just so exhausted. i just want to give up with school and my dreams. will it even be worth it? will the airforce be what i truly want and need it to be? will the government get worse?

above all us i just. i want to be a kid. i had to grow up too fast. i want my mom when i didnt have to worry abotu gender identity or how much she hates my dad. i want my dad when i didnt have to worry about how much he doesnt want me to succeed, about how much he hates this family and wants to go the only real friend i hvae is alex and he means so much to me but i dont feel good enough. i dnot know how to handle anything. i dont like when people vent to me in particular, not because i just dont want to hear what they have to say, i want to help them, but i feel frustrated with myself about not knowing how to really help or what to say so i end up feeling awkward or uncomfortable. i wish i knew how to help people better.

sometimes with my friend i get so scared. everytime i mess up i feel like im gonna be blocked or something. i know thats been resolved but it still hurts so bad. ive been left before, forgotten and had them move on before things could catch up. before my feelings could catch up. and then when i finally took a moment of time to myself to try and calm down, let my feelings catch up, do something for ME, i had gotten unfriended. i know im dwelling in the past but. its still such a big fear i have. i feel so obsessive. like if i do the slightest thing wrong he'll go again. and then i'll really be alone. im so tired.

im sorry for being so clingy. im sorry for dwelling on the past. im sorry to anyone i've hurt. to anyone ive used. squirrly, if you ever are reading, im sorry. i never meant to use you like that. werewolf, if you ever return to this godawful green site, im sorry for being so clingy. you're your own person and im so glad that i got to at least know you were okay after all that time. -Naruto-Uzumaki-//underswapsans , i never forgot you. im sorry i left you so suddenly. you've grown so much. i think about our silly rps and adventures fondly. vince. i dont know if you'll ever read this. but if you do. please. please be better. for me and for alex. you ARE capable of change. i feel so guilty about leaving you behind. but i hope it does you good as a lesson. you can be better. choose to be better. alex. i love you so much. youve stuck around and ill forever be grateful, and forever be sorry that i'll never be the friend you need me to be. im sorry if im annoying or repetitive or boring. your happiness and your--

--friendship means the world to me. i want to be better for you you make me want to change want to keep going thank you. mom, dad, i know for a fact you'll never read this. and theres a part of me that wishes you could. that you would. but i know im the least favorite. i know that even though you say you care and that i matter, i will never matter as much as any of my other siblings. i try to seem perfect. for you. bot hof you. but its never enough. i'll never be enough. and theres a part of me thats so angry. a part that snarls and says that "i truly, genuinely hate you" but i could never hate you. not entirely. i love you both. so much. i wouldnt try as hard if it werent for you. i just wish you realize how i feel before its too late. ive tried to tell you both this so many times. but of course, i can never compare to my siblings. and theres that part again, yelling in my heart that says that they hate all of my family. my little sibling for being the baby, for getting attention. for my older br

brother, who does so many bad things it gets attention. and for my older sister who is the eldest. theres a part thats just so ANGRY. and i fear it will always be angry. but i love my siblings. so much. i lvoe them so much that it hurts. i love my sibling for being so creative, for being so full of life even when things get you down. for my brother for still standing even after all of this time and the choices. for my sister for being so strong and taking care of me when my parents never did. i wish i could be better. for everyone i know

it stings i hope they dont find it

i feel guilty i hope they dont find it last night was rough. for some reason i felt so bad for coco, my dog. i was in the bathroom and i could hear her sniffing with her nose pressed to the door ive never felt more guilty and more like a failure in my life she deserves a better owner, even though im not the one who actually owns her. shes my dog, my baby, and i feel like i let her down. i went to the kitchen and sat on the ground, completely out of it. she came over and pressed her forehead to my inner thigh, where it hurt. i felt so bad. she didnt know. but she probably did. could smell it on me i guess ive not done anything all day i feel like that one song nobody talks about how weird it is how weird it feels after you do it walking is uncomfy but for some reason all day ive just felt like its what i want to do. i know this is bad so very bad i dont really have an excuse. its a bad thing and i shouldnt start this habit. my stomach has hurt so bad all day.

but above all else i just feel numb why did this start again? i guess things just snowballed and this is the outcome i feel like im overreacting even if before ive been so so tired i guess that was just the nail in the coffin its so hard trying to talk to anyone i guess thats why im here right now talking to nobody or anyone that will view this i know you are. im safe. im sorry i cant say anything to your face. im sorry im overreacting over yesterday. you know im here for you too, even if im doing rough. you mean a lot to me, even if you're juts "some guy that draws" i like that guy he makes me feel less alone but maybe thats why i feel guilty for feeling bad

i should be getting banana bread (my gecko)s new enclosure done she deserves it i should go downstairs and start to work out or go outside and run or shower brush my teeth but i cant i cant get out fo bed i barely have the energy to lean over and do my school work. its all coming to a close soon and ive not done any of it maybe this summer i can relax but i know no matter how much time i take for myself ill never be happy i keep telling my mom that but she doesnt care everyone else gets a therapist why dont i everyone else gets diagnosed and given attention why dont i i feel like you dont care about me, mom i know for sure dad doesnt my room is such a mess i hate when anyone comes in it and looks at it sees how disgusting i am i told my mom that and she didnt say anything because why would she? im the tough one the one that doesnt talk about my feelings and does my work and strives to be best. i work so hard for my family but they dont care

im too normal too hard working im still trying to do things even as im so exhausted everytime i think anything bad today i get that urge again its sitting right next to my mouse i see it the metal just sitting there begging for use i dont want to i want to i dont im sorry for worrying you if you read this im never going to off myself but i just need time i look down and they're like tiger stripes i look like voltaire like me is this who i want to be always in silence? i guess it'll always be that way im getting to the point where people care less next year i'll be 18 then they really wont care

on instagram i'll see others stories hanging out with friends going to parties meanwhile i sit in my bed surrounded by dishes and dirty sheets having not showered or brushed my teeth in a while i feel so disgusting so unlovable i miss ren hes tried to friend me back twice he isnt a bad person but i cant with him its too much and he hurt my one true friend i cant forgive that but still i feel so unlovable not even my family likes me i only have alex and i keep doing shit like this i have a heart but its cold and theres metal spikes on the outside pricking anyone that dares gets close im sorry for being so hateful and so out of control of myself

i took a melatonin at 7 and woke up just now. why i dont want to be awake right now should i eat or is it too late i dont even have an appetite i hate everything right now i was mentioned in some kind of story trend thing and im happy to finally be included in something but. i have no energy for anything i know i just sound unwilling and ungrateful now though. im gonna try and keep sleeping. the newness of this post has passed so im just gonna use this anim to vent like a diary maybe itll help me

i think im gonna go back to sleep take another melatonin i like being looked after but im sorry you have to communicate with me like this when you yourself arent doing good either it means a lot to me and im sorry i cant say anything to your face i want to, but something in me just wont let me i feel so guilty about being like this but anyone reading, and you too alex, are lovable im so happy i get to have you as my best friend im sorry im being so quiet and distant. i guess i still just need time but you shouldnt have to worry about me its unfair to you and probably makes you think about how things used to be with other people but know i wont do anything big like that and know that im not going to abandon you you're my friend and you mean the world to me but i think im gonna try to sleep now happy easter <3

i dont feel anything is that why im doing these things to feel something? anything? i just want it all to stop i want to have energy i want to do things i want to be happy but i feel nothing no happiness, no sadness, no anger, nothing i think thats why im doing this i feel so tired so exhausted yet so numb at the same time i wonder if they'll find out what will happen if they do probably nothing cause im only a middle child and im strong i think i just want to sleep so i dont have to be aware that i feel nothing so i dont do anything i should i have so much work to do i cant let myself get like this but i cant stop it

i cant even bring myself to cry anymore i dont want to be like this i went downstairs earlier and my mom immediately pointed out how tired and bad i looked i know i know i know i need to shower to clean my room work on my school stuff i can do it for you mama just say you're proud of me please dont come into my room nobody come in dont see me like this i dont know why i even say that its not like they see me anyway

since i got up my body has been,,, liquidy? i cant describe it well my stomach has been hurting and all of my moves have felt unbalanced its like im sludge and just swaying everytime i move its slow and so is my speech i feel like my body is giving up on me i think its just the melatonin though my mom asked what was wrong and that "shes trying" i couldnt say anything i dont want to go to school tomorrow i would normally just skip but ive missed too much i dont want them to kick me out of fast track but im so tired no matter how much sleep ive gotten ive just been so exhausted all weekend i have an essay due friday i hope i feel better then

im thinking about stepping down from modding which is weird because ive been a mod for a few years now but i just dont feel welcomed or part of a team i understand why though im always quiet and awkward and i never say much they dont know me and i dont know them i guess i cant complain, its my fault

everytime ive been awake ive had the urge i look down and see them and i get angry that they're starting to disappear i feel like i need to keep them fresh i dont know why its the only thing ive been feeling apart from just wanting to be asleep i did try watching videos and the stream like you asked it made me feel a little better but then it ended and i just wanted to sleep again i like that you sent me a text about nothing important im sorry im not saying anything but i like talking with you you're fun to talk to and you're my friend im currently eating too i havent been having the urge to eat or have any kind of appetite, nothing has sounded good, but im still trying to eat some i have a little fihgt left in me not a lot but i hope it will sustain to get me out of this

i talked to my mom and i said i was tired she asked how ive been sleeping if i was too hot or cold or uncomfortable and i just moved a little in response she asked if i was depressed i wsa quiet for a bit i told her that i had done nothing but sleep and that i needed to shower work on things go to school but that i was tired she said she understands and after a few more moments i started to cry and tears visibly rolled down my cheeks she didnt notice or say anything i just went back upstairs i dont like that there are open spots between the little red lines i need to fill the gaps i need to feel something anything

monday was good. better than this weekend. but yesterday and today were not great. i thought i'd be okay by now, bouncing back up like i always do. not this time. ive still had that urge. ive not done it in a day but i want to. i still dont feel much of anything. and going to class exhausts me. i slept all this morning and was feeling okay, then i go to class. on the way home my eyes felt so heavy. they still do. why am i not getting better i always get better i think i at least dont feel this shitty for this long i just want this week to be over so i can sleep during the weekend. i need to do dishes and clean my room. its my turn but i cant school is so taxxing right now but i know mom wont care

my stomach has been killing me recently normally it hurts anyway but this morning started really sharp jabbing pains in my lower stomach ive never had something feel like that before im equal parts curious and concerned everytime i think about my legs my stomach starts to ache im tired my older sister decided to cut us off because we didnt go with her to a festival im being so serious. she said for me in particular that "she knows i have school and airforce and a lot going on but i could still go drive (on the INTERSTATE) to see her" maybe i could but driving on the interstate or any big cities scares me and i can barely get myself to go 30 minutes down to school i just want to curl up and cry

weak i think that its safe to say thats what i am i can barely pick things up i can barely hold heavy things for a while i can barely defend myself i cant even stop myself from opening up that little drawer with it in it it frightens me a little i never thought this would happen ive gone so long just burying it all though that i should have expected this a snap, i mean suppose thats why ive not "bounced back" the pain gives me something to focus on i guess i dont like seeing them heal it upsets me i dont know why

last night i told my recruiter that i had been hurting myself since saturday he said it was okay not to overthink i said sorry for wasting his time he said we could call in the morning (today) and not to worry, just that i should rest something about that just struck me i guess it was because it seemed genuine and like he cared fatherly and my dad never did that for me when he said that all i wanted was to be held i dont think i'll be doing Special Warfare anymore. i dont know. he hasnt called or reached out yet. i tried to tell my mom that i wouldnt pass MEPs (which is an in-depth medical checkup that all military has to do no matter your subfield) i know i wouldnt pass because my SH is recent but when she asked why i said that i couldnt tell her i havent told anyone nobody but anyone reading this and my recruiter, i mean. i want to but everytime i try i get choked up

i dont know if you still read these but i still feel so unlovable. i feel like a failure for asking my mom for help with school work i feel like a failure for cutting im sorry if im being annoying with my vents. i had hoped id be better now, but im not. but maybe this weekend i can relax. but probably not.

i told my recruiter about my SH he said there might still be hope for getting into the airforce if they arent deep they arent but still, if they even see a trace they wont let me in and now im not so sure i even wanna be in the airforce anymore but im worried that i wont make enough money to survive i want to LIVE not survive. survive means scraping by. i want to be comfortable. happy. im so scared for the future. things are getting hard for new adults. im 17. he told me to tell my mom i plan to text her its too hard to tell her in real life i feel cornered and trapped everytime i try to think about telling her irl i dont want to see her face dont want to hear her voice when she responds to me i feel like a caged feral animal violent animals are just scared animals. and im really scared. and really tired.

im holding out for you and the ones i love for them not for me because i know they would all be devastated they wouldnt understand they see me laughing and joking everyday not knowing that i have cuts across my thighs im quitting band and im not going to be at school i only have one friend apart from him i feel so lonely i wish i had someone that could hold me tell me it'll be okay i need it all to be okay i lied a bit im actually really scared of death when talking about it, i imagine it so beautifully but when it refers to me i get terrified whats after death? how am i conscious right now? how was i not conscious before? what do you mean that i was just a tiny little egg with no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions? its so strange. its really scary to think about. will i fade out into nothing? is there an afterlife? i dont know but its so scary

well, i told her i wonder what she'll say if she even replies i hope she doesnt tell dad he'd be pissed hes already pissy the rest of the time at mom, i dont need him directing it at me i feel like i cant breathe i locked my door i dont want to be seen right now i hope she doesnt come up those steps and try to speak through the door i dont want to be bothered i dont want to be cornered like that im so scared for what she'll say

anyway not like anyone ****ing cares mom sure seems like she didnt she unlocked my door somehow last night and laid with me for a bit. at around midnight. i appreciate her trying to be there. but then she sent a text back with all these weird emohis and it just feels really insensitive. she even made a joke about it. i had gotten onto her for picking at her skin and she goes: "you dont have any room to talk, miss girl." maybe im just upset cause i thought she was gonna do something else react some different way but she just said "you can talk to me" and "you're not alone" and that was that. i was even more ignored today at school. and dont you know, the second i get home my dad is being an ass and saige is too doesnt help i dont talk much with alex here lately its been hard for me to try and say anythign i dont have the energy for a lot and the times that i do i get ignored maybe i should send the recruiter that text tell him im not going forward with the military just so i can rip up m

my skin some more im so drained i feel like a ghost is that my story? to try so hard, claw my way up into life, only to be invisible? will i ever be happy? or will i suffer and work until my death, never finding happiness? i wish i was 10 again when i didnt have all these feelings when i didnt feel so awful all the time when life was simpler but im 17 now. i'll be an adult soon. then what? i dont have a stable job my classmates are surprised by that they think im behind or maybe lazy. i just wish i have someone to hold me god knows my parents wont.

figured id update some things have gotten better, scares are pretty healed up worst ones are still visible, but most of the others have faded but my mom has this new job, we're still in the negatives and money is tight the only source of stable income right now is through my father who refuses to look after his family came home yesterday with bags of food and i was trying to put the lunch meat in our main fridge mom says: "No, this is all your fathers." and i go uh okay and go back to putting things up got some frozen pizzas we all typically have and was gonna put it into the main freezer "No. ALL of it is his. For work." Meanwhile, our fridge is empty, I'm not getting money in, mom isn't getting any money in, nothing im so sick of him

very random crash of sadness rn :< probably gonna start my monthly soon, around that time i wonder if im ever gonna have a day where im truly happy unfortunately, big mouth on netflix is a big comfort show for me got me through some of the toughest years of my life so far (yes, yes, i know that its disgusting and it took away so many good shows like my darling inside job) but it ended and yea i did cry its relatable in that way always has been for me the great unknown the future dont know what it holds i mean, hell, im 17 and the usa is in a great depression im in college i want to be in the airforce but it doesnt seem to be in my favor. im terrified of the future. im terrified of the day i turn 18. im not ready. things are going to be so hard. i love the air force but as a career i dont want to. but trying to do anything else feels impossible

the things i love either dont pay or are extremely competitive. i wish life wasnt so complicated i wish i wasnt 17 i wish i was 8 again, when i had friends and a social life when i didnt understand why mommy and daddy were yelling and throwing things when i didnt understand how tough life is going to be. im scared im genuinely so scared and above all else, i just feel alone reason i mentioned big mouth earlier is 1 yes im scared for the future but 2, in the final season we get to know this love interest to one of the mains: camden. he reminded me a lot of ren, one of my exes i miss him a lot sometimes i wish i didnt cut things off but i hurt him so much i feel so selfish and guilty why cant i love? why do i feel this way? i want to have a partner, i want to love people, i want to not feel so alone i have one friend and he means so much to me, but we're far apart i dont have classes at my school anymore, only college. i quit band. i feel so alone and behind

well, now that im no longer bound by the airforce, im free i thought maybe she hid it i was looking around in secretive areas but no just in the drunk drawer, right there sitting with the rest of our appliances good for small projects. i really thought she would care enough to give it a second thought she really doesnt care about me. everyone else gets therapists, doctor checkups, they get brought up in conversations not me i just sit in my room alone now using my freedom to clip my wings