well, now that im no longer bound by the airforce, im free i thought maybe she hid it i was looking around in secretive areas but no just in the drunk drawer, right there sitting with the rest of our appliances good for small projects. i really thought she would care enough to give it a second thought she really doesnt care about me. everyone else gets therapists, doctor checkups, they get brought up in conversations not me i just sit in my room alone now using my freedom to clip my wings

the things i love either dont pay or are extremely competitive. i wish life wasnt so complicated i wish i wasnt 17 i wish i was 8 again, when i had friends and a social life when i didnt understand why mommy and daddy were yelling and throwing things when i didnt understand how tough life is going to be. im scared im genuinely so scared and above all else, i just feel alone reason i mentioned big mouth earlier is 1 yes im scared for the future but 2, in the final season we get to know this love interest to one of the mains: camden. he reminded me a lot of ren, one of my exes i miss him a lot sometimes i wish i didnt cut things off but i hurt him so much i feel so selfish and guilty why cant i love? why do i feel this way? i want to have a partner, i want to love people, i want to not feel so alone i have one friend and he means so much to me, but we're far apart i dont have classes at my school anymore, only college. i quit band. i feel so alone and behind

very random crash of sadness rn :< probably gonna start my monthly soon, around that time i wonder if im ever gonna have a day where im truly happy unfortunately, big mouth on netflix is a big comfort show for me got me through some of the toughest years of my life so far (yes, yes, i know that its disgusting and it took away so many good shows like my darling inside job) but it ended and yea i did cry its relatable in that way always has been for me the great unknown the future dont know what it holds i mean, hell, im 17 and the usa is in a great depression im in college i want to be in the airforce but it doesnt seem to be in my favor. im terrified of the future. im terrified of the day i turn 18. im not ready. things are going to be so hard. i love the air force but as a career i dont want to. but trying to do anything else feels impossible

figured id update some things have gotten better, scares are pretty healed up worst ones are still visible, but most of the others have faded but my mom has this new job, we're still in the negatives and money is tight the only source of stable income right now is through my father who refuses to look after his family came home yesterday with bags of food and i was trying to put the lunch meat in our main fridge mom says: "No, this is all your fathers." and i go uh okay and go back to putting things up got some frozen pizzas we all typically have and was gonna put it into the main freezer "No. ALL of it is his. For work." Meanwhile, our fridge is empty, I'm not getting money in, mom isn't getting any money in, nothing im so sick of him

my skin some more im so drained i feel like a ghost is that my story? to try so hard, claw my way up into life, only to be invisible? will i ever be happy? or will i suffer and work until my death, never finding happiness? i wish i was 10 again when i didnt have all these feelings when i didnt feel so awful all the time when life was simpler but im 17 now. i'll be an adult soon. then what? i dont have a stable job my classmates are surprised by that they think im behind or maybe lazy. i just wish i have someone to hold me god knows my parents wont.