my tumymy hurtrs owwwwwwwww ow

i have lived so little of life that i have not lived enough of it to justify doing so

sometimes i feel that the best option might be to leave everything again and be alone

in the years that i've lived i have not let myself be vulnerable nor did i let anyone feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable around me i wish for intimacy even if it is not the best choice for me

i can only stare at the chattering people far away recreate something that i can't have

idk i just really wanna be close to someone and be in love with them in every way romantically i need someone to come into my dms one day and randomly confess their love to me and then ill be like omg yesssss and then we love each other and 🥺🥺 IM DESPERATE OELAS i knwk i have friends but sometimes i wanna have someone that i can be really close with andlove tjem idk im in my yearner arc 😢😢😢 i want a romantic relatiogneifi

idk if ppl actualh find me suitable to be in a relationship with tho like do i ahvr a decent personality am i attractive enough would they consider datinf me I DONT KNWO i have no experience witj love its terrible and i dont know if ppl actjakly like me enoguh to love me liek that

heh. i ahve tolys lithuania hetalia ehehehsshhhhehw its okag i tjinm ehhejehehhbhhhah hejhehehe 💔💔💔

ITS NOT OKAY

i lwk wanna have lingerie and wear it around my house just for the sake of it think abotu it

not even just men women too anyone too bro and then when they try to one up you and 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅👅

YOU JUST DONT GET IT

chuuya is also very nngnhg he got me like 👅👅

chuuya or romano or lithuania on my bed right now with rose petals leading up to the bed and the room is dimly lit with candles

PELASE

i love when they got a lil somthin to hold onto idc.. when they got STRETCHMARKS 👅👅👅

ive held this in for way too long i need to vent this out i love chubby people (iam a lil chubby myself so liek im self projecting but 🌹🌹)

you just dont get it you dont grt it like i do i had it figured out ever since i was little

i like to be preceived differently sometimes and i like to be able to control how others see me but i think this is just wanting to present myself as masc or fem whenever i want to instead of actually changing my entire identity man idk it doesnt even sound like it makes sense when i type it out this sucks 😢😢

eewwwww now it sounds like im a cis woman that wants to collect labels 🥀🥀 but im really thinking about it and it confuses me the more i think aboht it and its reallt weird and 😅

idk i just didnt really notice that it was thay empty until now like ik i dont got decoration in my room but i guess it is empty now that i think about it

sometimes i realize i dont have the stuff an average person should probably have and when someone points it out to me i realize it myself and i get a little sad

i wish to sit in nothingness and without the need or want for anything

it feels like nothing i could even have in my reach is truly mine

i really want to cry

sometimes i think leaving is the best option for myself and others

if my friend actually reads these im gonna get really embarassed 😢😢 ik its my fault for not makign a priv post but im too lazy and im already using this asa diary 😢😢😢

but i really like it when my friends show me things i dont know like wow this animal is si cute and cool and awesome and i have maternal instincts for it and im shedding tears of joy and getutng emotional because my friends are talking to me

i can never think of anything i could ever want i can never rely on anything around me because everything ive ever built up and toppled down with my own hands were all fakef i cant tell anuythgin apart from each other

im okah right now i just had a little moment 😅😅 errm if u still wanan add me my user is hakocalypse

why is tchaikovsky a cute 4'3 idol girl

you need to hop on saint-saens btw he goes so hard and im listening to one of his pieces on loop rn and its the one from that one polandball animation that i really loved as a kid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjRiLKSPbqc

im realgly gettin into classical composers rirght now 😋

ok i might actually have to make a priv anim for my entries now its getting too long 😢😢

i love unempolyment

also i need to replicate the artstyle of my pfp it looks so effortlessly executed idk how to explain it it just looks really right

i also need to learn how to draw different faces and how to draw different kinda of designs for facial features i dont want everyone to look the same (especially when i want to draw older people)

i have low standards

i get really giggly when a friend tells me that im their favorite btw 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

guyes everything is going MY way right now im converting ppl into classical music theyre hopping on im giggling and kicking my feet rightnow 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

OH MY GOD mythical find i need to be able to getnthis peak 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

im gettign. my hair cut shorter and getting some parts of it purple im rrally excited 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

i should i dont really have a lot of them right now🥲🥲i have one really big stuffed dog plush at my dads house that i gotta get back

i checked their account like 6 times in a row being bored is not for the weak🥲🥲

i wanna ask my friends to hop on vc but then i dont know what to do after that happens its terrbiele

ok why did that post twice

but i wanan hop on robklox so bad with twin i dunno i sound creepy but i like playign with my firends PLEAS

i shoudl draw because i have nothign to do but what do i even draw 💔💔💔 trying to draw more traditional bc it makes me feel a little better abt my art (it looks better on paper)

ive been liking prumano a bit lately im starting to fw it heavy ❤️❤️ragebaiter x easily falls for ragebait always has my entire heart

a lil basic but i really like skk too i think there might be a pattern ❤️❤️❤️

i saw yuri omegaverse on my fyp today and i went to search up where it came from and it turns out that theyre the side couple and it was actually a yaoi omegaverse they YURIBAITED me im liek grieving over this right now i really wanted to read yuri omegaverse 🥀🥀

i think all my classes r gonna force me to put my phone up in da hanger (esp my homeroom which is also forcing me to put the phones up despite the fact that it would be the first couple days of school so #nothingeverhappens and its gonna be like 2 hr homeroom for the first couple days) this is exactly why i bought 2 more books to read in the meantime and im gonna be bringing the sketchbook too

how come i can yap all the time now but whenever im actually dming or vcing i just kinda sit back and listen its terribel 🥲🥲

getting my hair dyed and cut tmrw at 4 pm im really giddy 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

i wouldve bought more books actually but i have no room to put the books i need to invest in a small bookshelf

remembering back in washington state in the old home we used to have a yellow bookshelf my dad made and painted yellow and i used to put animal stickers on it that i got from those small croatian chocolate bars that had a sticker of a picture of an animal (forgot what theyre called but im pretty sure theyll come up when u search it up) i think we got it from a ethnic european store which was more specifically slavic and probably even more specifically russian bc i remember the owner of the store speaking russian and i remember that there were stairs that had a chain on it to signify that u couldnt go up the stairs idk i would really want to go back to the store one day and look around even though i moved cross country to live in north carolina now i remember a lot of things about the store

i remember my childhood i just need to think more to remember it

beethovens 7th symphony allegretto is so hard its been looping in my head for a bit now

being a lil overweight and having hip dips is a death sentence in this current economy

I FEEL LIKE I LOOK SO GOOD RIGHT NOW i just put on a fit with a shirt ive never worn before and it looks so good and i got my hair dont too so its chefs kiss

prumano gen got me going insane right now

i feel very appreciative i lovr appreciating

i wanna tell my friends that i really lovr them 🥹🥹its embarrasing to tell someone that you love thme out loud but it drkves me insane becajse i appreciate them 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

i saw someone on tiktok with a cheetah print tokidoki bag that their bf got them genuinely insane find amd insane partner HOW DO YOU BAG SOMEONE LIKE THIS 💔💔

manifesting my beautiful wife husband coming home with a beautiful tokidoki bag and then i passionately make out with yhem for it 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🤤🤤🤤🤤🤤

oh my god ohmy GODDDDDD FLEXXING ON ME https://www.reddit.com/r/Tokidoki/comments/1cza5jn/my_tokidoki_bag_collection/

🫩🫩🫩GIVE ME A BAG

grt me a sugar daddy im becoming a sugar baby

haiii

im going to bed but im a lil hubgry im gonna eat when i wake up tmrw

my classes are do greedy why do 4 of my classes need a notebook that u keep in the class your greed sickens me

why does ap lit have summer homework that ur supposed to do before u even step foot into the class (stupidest shjt ive ever seen)

um im just gonna lock in bc its my senior year and im tryna grt my gpa up a lil and its a lot of writing this year 🫩🫩 no math at least

i knkw im kind of an asshole around the people i love sometimes i just wish that they can tell me when ive gone too far even if it makes me want to kms 🥹✌️

locked in for tmrw bc i gotta run a mile for second class (getting a decent amount of sleep ok goodnighf

ejgh i xant sleep i have a headache and i dont feel well mentally 🫩🫩 third day of school tmrw how am i falling off thos bad

i might kill myself 🥹✌️ (i will not)

one 800 mg painkiller for dinner

actually im just gonan eat right now im hungry

ok i ate good nifht

i am a selfish person most of the time and i am consistently working to improve myself everyday even if it feels like i have not improved and it makes me feel better knowing that i am at least tryibg

that is all i dont have much to talk about on here recently 😅😅i have been traditional arting more now that school has started

classicaloid is silly i gotta continue watching it

sometimes i feel bad bc ppl talk to me on here or post sometihng and i dont reply for hours at a time bc i dont monitor here like every 2 seconds 😅

the feeling is kind of on and off like nothing would happen and things would be normal and out of nowhere i would think in this way sometimes its a fleeting feeling sometimes i have to isolate myself and wait for it to pass

if it gets really bad i go outside and have at least 2 cigarettes and go back inside and isolate myself for a bit

it would be simple if people just saw me as a little guy that likes to make bad jokes instead of an actual friend

i wish people made that obvious to me instead of pretending to have fun or pretending to tolerate me i wish people qould just tell me that they didnt like me or that i did somethign wrong

i know im not a good person and i accept that

everyone sounds so condescending i hate when people show pity to me is it so hard to just shut the fucjk up

she would not love me if i told her i was a fag she only loves me because god told her to love me

i hate my tits so much i want to take them off and wear it for special occasions

ill come out when im financially independent and ill leave if they want me to

im about to go insane it feels like everybody is lying to my face

if someone tells me that being gay or bi or trans or whatever is a test from god im going to kill myself 🥹✌️

GIVE ME ONE CHANCE JUST LET ME HAVE ONE TIME WITH HIMGN 🤤🤤🤤

romano on my bed with rose petals trailing into the bedroom when i get back from school or else im going to kill myslec

🤤🤤learning how to draw facial hair and different facial features for him🤤🤤🤤🤤😇🤑🤤my tsundere italian king

ohhbf my god buildermon has me on such a tkght grip too give me my roblox yaoi 🤤

mse6 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅😅IM WASHED ILL NEVER GET A CUTE WIFE OR HUSBAND OR PARTNER

he should hop on stostakovich tho bc his music is 🤤

if i get a binder i would be unstoppable

😈😈

i MIGHT be able to pull if i wanted to 🥹✌️ (too lazy to go talk and maintain conversation with people

i need to peg himm desperately its so bad

guysss sGUYSYSYYSYSY ehehexghh artfullllllll artful artfuflllfl artfullll twirls hair cutely and winks

i need him on my bed on my birthday oj my god 🤤

artful actually gave me a 2x stamina boost in gym today i was PROWLIJG for him 🤤

artfulllllll heh bench presses 700 lbs in front of artful artfulllll artfuk atlrtful artful artufllfl artfullllll

oiuhvv im in a terrible situation right now i love wearing low rise but my stomach always sticking out and hanging and my love handles stick out i cant weat anythhifn 😢😢 not that i care or anythin its whatever 😢😢😢

i wanna bw a breadwinner 😢😢

i dunno what to eat i might just starve

never mind nuggets exist

🤤🤤

ran out of ranch i might kill myself

artful coming home from the grocery store and bought the ranch 🤤

I FEEL SO CRINGE BUT like think abojt it 🌹

thinking. yes wooowwww o know peope sobt like me i dont think anyone likes hanging out with me tjeure pretending

why are yhey pretendign. What

poel dont talk to me. X what do yhey want with me i knwo my friends actuallh secretly dont ljek me my family i know probaky dont liek me people dont kiej me

i knor this

Why cang i be loved why am i always last placf what am i doing wrong i knwo im doing everythufb wrong but im trying to do bettwr what am i dking right now that makes i y so its reallu obvious to peopel tha5 iam a huge asshovk

ggu my yearning 😢😢 q

i cnac even kill myself its so pathetiv

oiuh devestful oubh im being slowly healed ougg ou devestfu deve iggggu

art.ful 🤤

i feel slightly sick im gon a die

i realized just now i like recieving things and having the things i have but i know i dont deserve any of it so i feel greedy and guilty all the time because why is this asšhole shìthead have good things come their way i appreciate it but🥹✌️

its weird i can trace most of the trauma i have and the reason i act the way i do from the way i was raised . yet i cannot blame the way i was raised for the way fhat i act and say because i can choose what to do or say in those current moments i just cant choose the consequence that happens after so it going to be my fault regardless of what i blame it on

at the current moment all i want to do is protect the only things i have left

im nkt a good person a d thats okay i cant think of any positive trait about myself and thats okay

i wanna date a friend or make a friend and then date them is this weird i dont know 🌹

i say this and then i will never reach out and talk to anyone and self isolate for 837727 hours straight 😏😏

i do not fit in with anything and i have severe distrust of others thats okay im gonna overconsume roblox yaoi yuri

i wanna have a friends to lovers arc with someone 😢😢its gettjng really bad right now

its so embarassing to tell someone that you love them im not tsundereing it out its like 😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔hel

i feel swagged out

yeaaaaa you got this ✌️✌️ some of needy streamer overdose osts helped me lock in too

i dont have much going for me and thats okay there are available options that are objectively more beneficial than me and thats okay

i just repeat the same things over and over again and hope that it makes them laugh and keeps them around for longer but i know it isnt going to last

i heard smoking can induce psychosis in people with mental illnesses i was like 😅😅 at first but then i realize thats for smoking on a regular basis and i do it every once in a while so i should be safe

its fun for a short while but i really dont think having any friends is for me

i honestly might just kill myself nothing worked to make me feel better i really feel like a pos for leaving but i always give a somewhat plausable excuse to leave so its not like im just leaving becuase i feel like a whiny asshole or anything im a whiny asshole with a reason 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️i tried a new method to not feel this way (slicing the upper thigh with a shaving razor) but it did not do anything and im probably not gonna do it again if im being honest because a shaving razor barely cuts anything and like ya logically it makes you focus more on the pain than anything but it still hurts so like 😭😭😭😭esp when u put alcohol on it 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 and i dont got big enough bandages to stop it from bleeding so i had to wait for it to stop bleeding by itself 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

in conclusion dont cut yourself just self isolate sleep and pray

i need to lock tf in how do i hide my leg scars when im changing in gym without having to go in a stall to change ✌️ im gonna like cover myself with my shirt awkwardly and pray

awwwe thank you 🥹✌️✌️ im not gonna its just one of those days 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️im sending you a nice sweet cake back at you 🌹🌹i think i might go bed right now but i appreciate you a lot