i dont really know how i feel about my gender, identity, or whatever. like i was thinking apagender for a bit but recently i keep thinking of the possibility of being trans but im unsure. cuz like when i was in middle school there were few times i was asked/people didnt know my gender. it felt a bit bad and confusing bc i thought it was obvious i was a girl? but now i dont think really mind being treated/mistaken for a guy. like i guess im fine with being a girl but im not a fan of the gender norms attached to being a girl, its kinda annoying at times. sorta off topic but for example, i asked my dad if i could have an exhaust added to my car and he basically said that those were for sports cars and for guys :/ and in the past ive been told girls should be gentle and stuff. dont really like wearing dresses/skirts much(dont like how they look on me most times), id rather wear a suit or something. there have been a few times where i felt a slight detachment from how i actually look, but idk what thats about.

there has also been a sometimes ive wished i was born a guy but at the same time being a girl id ok too, dont know if id ever transition or something. but i do sorta wanna possibly get chest reduction/top surgery and hysterectomy if i can. maybe i just wanna be androgynous, idk. literally dont talk to anyone about this kind of stuff. i think most of my family&relatives are most likely kinda homophobic/transphobic.

my mom had literally told my sister not to ONLY be friends with this one kid that transitioned after they became friends and my sister has seemed to stop being friends with them by now, i think. asked my mom why she couldn’t be friends with them and my moms explanation was basically comparing it to going out with your friends that drink, like if you hang out with them youll start doing the same or something?? dont remember what else but i ended up talking to her a bit about it alone in my room and at some point she asked if id be okay with id her or one of my siblings transitioned. i didnt know what to say, sorta just said idk but she looked at me in this like disgusted judging way, i dont know how to explain but i felt so uncomfortable and anxious that id rather not talk/ask about it anymore.

i dont know how to feel about all this, im always unsure of labels. but was thinking omnisexual, demiaroace, and apagender. like i feel like i wouldnt mind dating any gender but like i do have preferences, i think. idk cuz like i dont think i feel like i get romantically/sexually attracted to other people just because of whatever reason. i mean i do find some people attractive or aesthetically attractive sometimes but like i dont automatically feel romantically/sexually attracted or whatever. also feels like ive never really had any crushes besides friend crushes/platonic attraction. though i would like to have a relationship with someone at some point.

there was this one time we were talking about tanning and stuff, i said i wanna be pale. my mom misheard, thinking i said “i want to be male” and seemed relieved when i corrected her. like ok?? also has been a few times where my mom asked if i liked girls bc id act weirded out with her mentioning something about being with a guy or something, dont remember. but any time she asked id deny it. idk but she doesn’t seem as against it, i think? dude i dont know. but i guess i dont really ask if im able to date like my sister has so maybe my mom just wonders

sometimes it feels like i dont wanna be just straight or something. bc even with the labels ive picked i feel like a part of me will try to be “normal” or whatever. i’ve literally told myself that if i ever do end up liking a girl THEN id figure it out. haven’t really ever told anyone irl about my labels or anything, only once in middle school but i just told them i think i might be asexual but even then i wasnt rly sure. i mean ive posted my flags on here in the past but for some reason they never felt like a part of me? like id forget that ive picked and go searching again. i dont know bruh💔 wrote a lot

idk, if anyone responds ill check this in the morning^_^ its almost 3am rn </3