every day is sort of a new chapter in self reflection. when i came back to fa, i was jumping up and down saying "oh im better!" and "oh im a good person!" im not. i really am not. the biggest reason why i dont want people looking up to me is because of my behaviors. i still express manipulative behaviors, i still get passive aggressive rarely, i still try to make myself seem good. it isnt healthy for me or for anyone else. sure, i love my friends with the utmost adoration, both online and irl friends, but im terrified of doing something that'll hurt someone or myself. i have a lot of unresolved demons in me, and i cringe at actions i did even as soon as yesterday. i know that it's incredibly unhealthy for me to push it down, but it became a self-defense mechanism, in a sense. ive always told myself, even as a little girl, that i would bring a bright smile to everyone; but, i fail oh-so often. that's okay, though, because i want to use those as ways to better myself as a person.

i've had people tell me that they're terrified of me. i manipulated people in ways that could've gotten them killed. i was a horrid person between 2020 and 2022, and i still am not very good today. soon, im gonna drive myself crazy. i think this post might signify as a way to make myself majorly change, because i find myself relying on the euphoria of human interaction to make me happy instead of digging into the root of my issues. i feel like that i picked up a lot of behaviors from my former stepmom, nina. the excessive gaslighting, shutting down, and outbursts i find myself having? i'm gonna get myself shot one day. there's a lot wrong with me, and i'm willing to admit that, and i want to fix myself as soon as i can

[pregnant lil nas x gif with him rubbing his womb]