i think the true human experience is contentment. it’s being content with what you have, and making the most of it. the true human experience is the sadness after an argument, a falling out with friends, the euphoric sensation of being with your loved ones, the grinning and laughter until your cheeks sting and your eyes water, the kinship even among the ones you may not like

things as small as giving someone a pencil in class and saying they can keep it or as big as giving someone $100 when they need it can bring many people up. i used to (and still do somewhat) have immense hatred. i wanted everyone dead, i was hyper aggressive and very manipulative. but now, i want to make sure people have that one experience in life that they can look back on. i remember around january of this year when we were coming back from indiana. my former stepsister screamed at me and told me i wasn’t good enough. i went to the bathroom and was sobbing until i choked. when i came out, a stranger gave me a hug until i was okay. i wonder if that woman is doing okay

there’s some people in my life i wouldn’t want back close to me, but i’d want them to have happy, fulfilling lives in their future. everyone deserves a chance of forgiveness, the chance to love someone or be loved. i remember a story another mental hospital patient told me on how he was high while watching a sunset, and it helped him get rid of his suicidal thoughts. i thought id never have a moment like that. i laid in bed pondering one day around february 2024 after my birthday. something just kinda… clicked. i realized that maybe i shouldn’t kill myself and that i should be of some use to the world. i’ve been fixing myself afterward, i dipped into some christianity because i realized it isn’t That Bad, ive tried my best to love others.

people can say “it’s free to be a hater”, but those are the people you should be the most kind to, even if they may seem insufferable. i wasn’t shown much kindness or love when i was hurting, but i want to show that love to others. there’s this freshman at my school, tonya, who’s always bullied and harassed. i see her like a little sister because she’s just like me when i was 12. she’s still questioning herself, she’s still confused about the world, she expresses through her art. she and so many of my other friends are what keep me going. she and so many other people in general are what keep me going. my math teacher is the most hated teacher at the school, but in reality she’s misunderstood. she’s funny and she’s one of my favorites because she genuinely helped me with my work. people aren’t evil, just misunderstood (as cheesy as that sounds)

i think my point is that loving others and loving yourself can make life a lot easier. there’s a thrill to it, both the wracking hurt and that throbbing in your heart and the feeling of your cheeks stinging after you joke and laugh with friends