idk

also i’ve literally only gone to one appointment and i haven’t gone since bc i got uncomfortable or something when she called my mom to talk to her abt something while i was in the room, when i didnt rly want her calling my mom abt it but then at the end of the appointment she asked what i liked and didnt like and i told her i didnt rly like taht she called my mom and she told me i shouldn’t agree to things i dont want :/ like i literally said that i didnt want my mom knowing, i know she already knew but still. adn also i asked if i could just throw the blade out myself and she asked if i understood why she needed someone else to be there. like i get it, but i didnt really want her to call her about that

also, some other day my mom came to my room to take anything sharp or whatever. and i didnt want her going through my stuff bc i just generally don’t really like people going through my things. i don’t really remember but i kept telling her to get out amd that i didnt wanna do it, even if she said we could do it together. idkndjsjsn gonna skip some of it bc i was kidna acting out or whatever. anyways as some point both my parents were in my room whike my mom was still trying to talk to me abt whatever and i just making noise with stuff bc i didnt wanna listen but i also didnt wanna leave bc i thought she’d continue. my dad told me to stop and calm down or whatever but at some point i just ran out of my room :/ idkdkkdjd djsknsbxs bro. my dad tried blocking me but he was holding the baby so he couldn’t really, idk wahtever. i tried going to the bathroom thats accross from my room but my sister was there so i went to the upstairs one :/&:!,

i didnt know what to do bc i didnt wanna go back and listen to whatever my mom was saying but i also didnt want her going through my stuff. egehrhgdhdb cried and hyperventilate? idk what its called. uh hdidnxb idkkk. anyways, i stayed there for some time, freaking spun around to distract myself or something. calmed down and went back, my parents were out of my room by then so i just went back to my room. yea idk

thsisbsis dumb. i dont like how i act when i feel that way, like pressured or something? i also think im bad at naming emotions bruh, so yea. i just write out what happened and i don’t really know how to explain how i felt

so i went to my first therapy appointment today and it was okay at first and most the time but around the end she brought up the sh thing and then said she’d call my mom and tell her that i need to give it to my mom or whatever. she kept asking and i said “i dont know” or would shrug. i also said i didnt want my mom knowing but she replied with that she already knew, like i know that my mom already knew but i didnt want to keep talking about with my mom. and i also asked if i could just throw it away myself, and she asked if i understood why she was saying someone else needed to be their and i did but still.. when she called my mom i just got quiet. she told my mom what she said she was going to say but then literally said something about me cutting my thighs, liek idk she didnt tell me that part. and yea i hide the paper safty plan thing so my mom only knew that i have sh before but like idk

then at the end of the appt she asked what i think went well and what didnt. i told her that the tools she gave me were good and that i didnt like that she called my mom, she asked why and i said that i didnt want my mom worrying. you know what? she said something like, dont agree to things you dont want. did she not realize i was rly hesitant abt her calling my mom??? i didnt say no exactly but literally said things that i thought she’d get? but i also thought she had to call bc last time i told the set up lady i didnt want to she said she has to. so that, and her asking me multiple times made me think the call would happen either way

not adding some parts actually. anyways i know none of them are being mean or anything, i know that but it feels like now that i said a bit i have to explain myself to my parents when i dont even rly want to. this is going to fast and the therapist is kinda confusing or like i dont get it bc she explains a bunch and then i say idk and she says its a yes or no, like idk what im being asked specifically???.&:&:’z

k thats all ig, idk bye