the reason i am so desperate for attention and validation and everything is because i didnt ?? get it from my parents my mom said shes proud of me yesterday fr othe first time in like 2 years becasue i actually got my grades up they always pointed out ?? what i could od better and i never got positive reinforcment which forces me to hold myself to a high standard and why i get so angry over little things i cant do well or why i dont spend a lot of time on things im not good at right away because it makes em angry. it also kinda shows why i somehow always forget negative things that happen because its not successful or good and isnt necessary to rembr

im so devoid of affection and just general attention because my parents are alwways busy and never give me it but i am disgusted and repulsed while also so ****ing happy when they give me affection becasue i hat them and it feels alien to get affection from them but its so nice when they do my mom is als oa pro gaslighter and ive always trusted everythign she says becaus shes tricked me into thinking that !! shes such a manipulater but wont ever admit it. i guess thats prolly bc shes got trama too but like she takes it out on me bc shes so desperate to not have me trun out like her. she had drunks for parents and asshole siblings that used their parents and manipulated the **** out of her so what the **** i feel bad for hating her because she is just as ****ed up as i am and shit i hate it

my dad needs to get therapy but he swears hes fine but hes not !! he has anger issues and a lowkey inferiority complex going on and they both wont admit thatthey are ****ed up and they just keep telling me that they are on my side but they arent they just want a way to save somebody from th eawful pasts they had but instead are making it so hard and being so harsh that theyve made their kid severly deppressed who feels like she cant ****ing trust her parents . who the hell do they think they are i can barely wake up in the morning ??????/ ever day i wake up and the huge urge to kill myself is so there and massive that i cant even function with it everyone is like omg how are yo uand i always just say "tired" any they always believe me . i need soembody to once just understand im not ok and just remind me why they love me please its so painful i dont even have any redeeming qualities

my mom gets home and i immediately dont feel safe

i never feel safe anywehre except for her house because normally she can just hug me and tell me its ok and that im gonna be fine and she holds my hand and does the thumb rub thing or we can hug and she rubs my back and she emans so much to me shes the only person i feel safe with

can somebody please just ttell me itll be ok and that i have a purpose because i dont know what im here for