So uh,,, this is actually my first ramble so it might be kind of out of order,, I apologize if that ever occurs So, lately alot of stuff has been goin on. A wedding I've gone to, my cousins coming to my house for the vaca and me coming back to fa. It may seem little, but I feel a lot for this. Like a lot. To the point it's been actually hurting me. A lot of times in my life I've considered dying, especially nowadays that's common ofc but in my case, I don't think this is the "omg I'm gonna kms" kind of thing. I've tried cutting my wrist and hanging myself. I've thought of jumping of the bridge in the city. I've thought of running away. My parents are absolute pieces of shit. They leave all the burden on my shoulders for whatever reason they believe is true. Now that my aunt is here they like to make a good impression meaning more physical abuse.

For a long time I've thought about it. Dying in general. Some people think it's "funny hahaha" but me on he other hand. I'm sensitive. Like, over sensitive. To the point my sister will literally try to kick me with her foot or an object like the little clock in my room. I've survived those but I don't know why I keep trying to survive. The need to punch the walls and break my knuckles are eager to me but I'd done that more than enough now. I tell my parents about that and I'm dead meat. I'll end up in the trash. Like my older sister who's failed to get up to their expectations. The thought scares me. That they'll throw me away. I've been so close to that yet so far away.

I was about 12 when I first hurt myself. I thought "it's fine, I was young and stupid" but the amount of vent notes in my school notebooks from 2020-2022 overwhelms me on ways I couldn't imagine. I've thrown up 3 times just this week from the stress and the forced feeding. I would have to eat food my mother cook even though I throw up in the end. First two times I never told her, third time, well, she found out. It's better if they don't know anyway

I'm better at comforting thna being the comforted. I'm bad at even my own feelings, what a joke The night of the wedding there were a few boys who looked at me. They were handsome yes but moment my mom realized they were there, shed drag me elsewhere and hit me. Shes a bit of a tyrant but there are e times she's nice. My dad on the other hand can be surprisingly nice, surprisingly absent and surprisingly rude. He adores my brother. Absolutely worships him. I'm left in a corner, waiting for my prize.

I'm scared, like genuinely I don't have many friends, on and off site . I'm not very likeable to the majority of people. At school I'm seen as a boy, at home, a peasant and alone, I'm shit. Sorry for whoever actually bothered to read this, I don't think anyone even bothered