I should just give up on love If im supposed to attract what i deserve what did I do wrong I dont want to be abandonned anymore I dont understand am I really that untolerable I can tone down just come back Im sorry

Ive never had a good healthy relationship And i dont know if i want one anymore i think if i found one id be the red flag because of how ****ed up my trust issues are and my passiveness Which I can acknowledge is my fault, i have control over my emotions and thought I just got so used to the constant abuse the lies the having to fight for everything to justify why i want someothing to be allowed to want it Maybe i am the problem the only common denominator has been me But i dont understand what ive been doing wrong open my eyes im just oblivious i deserece this as above so below right? But that doesnt mean i want this im SO ****ING SICK of not being enough, of less than bare minimum i communicate i give attentuon i try to be kind and honest with my partners I let them do whatever they please I ****ING WATCHED AS MY EX MADE OUT WITH A GIRL FOR ****S SAKE AND SAID NOTHING so why do I get punished i do t know what im doing wrong why did he leave me here alone without a wprd of warning he promised me hed s

stay in my life hed be the only constant person id have wheter that be enemy or friend stranger or lover at least hed be there but he left without a message without anythong he lead me on fpr nine months then has the audacity of being my ****ing other half has the audacoty to be in every dream i have I loved him for once in my ****ing life i was one hundred percent sure.i.loved someone and he left, was I too much for ypu silly senoir boy? Was I too devoted fine i understand, but i dont understand why you cant be my friend at very least a strangereverypne i love everyone i for sure know for a fact i love in some way leaves i have no one my family is gpme my brothers left me here to ****ing rot by myself my first stavle !other figure LEFT SHE ****ING LEFT ME HERE she knew what was going on she knew she knew it all and she left me here alone mylene left she hasnt spoken to me like she can justdismiss me at beck and call ypu know why? Because she can im pathetic im miserable im desperate to be acknoledged as lova

Lovable brcause if they really loved me theyd stay, I dont care how much they hurt me please dont leave please dont leave me here alone i dont understand what i did to desreve this i give and i gove and i give and i give and they take they dont recieve they dont see im devoted i swear to the gpds im commited you could kill me and i would apologize to you for not being satisfactory enough to kwep me in this reality. Ive blurred the lines of fantasy and my world so much because if i make these worlds if i make these lives im living thwy cant leave its my narrative they cant hurt me they have to at least tolerate me, and I get to leave I get to decide when i can hurt not mylene not lting nick not my mothers not stupid rapist alex not transphobic noah not cheating morgan not aggressive aspyn not mushy not mia not grooming tony no one gets to question me then leave me on ****ing read for as long as they please and then dismiss my feelings with a wave of her dainty hand IM SO ****ING SICK OF THIS I WANT SOMETHING

GOOD AND SAFE AND HAPPY AND I KNOW THATS SELFISH I KNOW I DONT DESREVE IT BUT PLEASE PLEASE JUST SHOW ME AN OUMCE OF MERCY i cant keep projecting my doubts into materialess forms of escapisim i want to be seen as a person for once in my ****ing life i dont want to be the very bottom that people step all over anymore but i cant because its where i belong its how ive been treated since birth and that proves them right everytime if it was wrpmg someone would intervene I WOULD INTERVEN because i can take responsiblity for myself I can defend others but never myself please mother medusa teach me the way you survived i am a medusa but the one that got their heqd chopped off by a man that saw her as nothing more than an easy vhallenge Except the man is the people i love and its not a sword that kills me theyre slowoly waterboarfing me and i cant ****ing breath i cant take feeling lile this anymore but im a pathetic ****ing brat i cant ****ong take reponsibilty physically and end it all im all out of energy to try

To fight others or to even ****ing kill myself im so tired of this i used to be able to try, i kept a note pad of every attempt, but i failed, fail everyti!e is this all punishment for not acknoledging the beauty of life for not endulging in madam pandoras gift of hope of wasting the clay i was carved with by not wraping my fist around the hands of people i want to keep i dont understand how that could be wrong but at the same time i do im a hypocritcal mess and someone ought put me out of my misery since i wont and no one is going to respect me anyhow

Anyways tldr My gf (?) Ghosted me i feel abandonned (duh) but i know i probably desreve this if i didnt then why the **** does it keep happening ive learned from eacu time yet ir happens just to spite me, i need to stop looking on the bright side

<3 Im putting you in my pocket foreva