not feeling great again...
by:
Shade-Is-Russian 
463
463
07.04.2022
20 comments
Zacster
07.04.2022 01:35
LinkYou wanna talk about it bro?
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 01:39
LinkNot really sure how, I just feel extremely stressed and depressed, Sunday I couldn't take it and cut my stomach with a serrated knife... I just don't know what to do with myself either, and nothing is ticking right, everything is off, I really don't know what to do at this point, and a bit of me is craving then need for the knife again..
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 01:39
Linkthe*
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 01:46
LinkI don't often speak out about this part of me, I don't want it to rub off on people but... not even therapy is helping at the moment, and every day I'm getting closer to the thought of suicide to escape these feelings, but I'm trying to stay and deal with them the best I can, but it feels so draining to me. I know I shouldn't even be thinking of all the spots to cut myself open that would lead to bleeding out quickly, but it seems to be the only thing my brain wants to do...
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 01:53
LinkI keep thinking of all the ways someone could commit suicide... anywhere from pulling a trigger to starvation... I refuse to OD on anything, I'll probably live from that if someone finds me... bleeding to death is the biggest temptation for me, the sheer thought of watching the blood flow out of my body before I pass out just seems... entertaining??? I don't know how else to put it...
Zacster
07.04.2022 01:53
LinkWell you're talking about it now and i have some experience talkin with some friends that are s***** (censored it so it doesn't trigger anyone who sees this) and jus talking/ranting about it in general is a way to help if you are s*****, it shows that you're brace enough to open up about it and im here to listen to you and try to understand what you're going through
Zacster
07.04.2022 01:55
LinkAnd when i mean by "some experience talkin with some friends that are s*****" I mean by online friends on FA(won't say who though to show respect to them and there privacy)
Zacster
07.04.2022 02:00
LinkWell has any person/object triggered this s***** intention?
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 02:01
LinkI just feel so desperate, I'm questioning my own sanity at this point, and I don't talk about this shit because I'm worried that I'm doing something wrong in a way, and I do know who you're talking about...
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 02:03
LinkNo, I actually don't have any triggers, it just appears out of the blue. Usually my mind is blank when I start feeling suicidal
Zacster
07.04.2022 02:04
LinkOh, and you're not doing anything wrong in a way, you're (probably) trying to talk about your situation to me, and it shows that you trust me with this, im not sure.
Zacster
07.04.2022 02:04
LinkWell have you tried try blocking out the feeling with other things?
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 02:10
LinkYes I have, but it seems like the beast at the door just doesn't stop and keeps persisting, it doesn't stop until it has its way... but I'm pretty sure that it's like myself in a way, and I just keep shooing it away like I've been shooed away myself, but it just makes it worse
Zacster
07.04.2022 02:13
LinkI see. You said you've been "shooed away", could you elaborate on that?
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 02:19
LinkPeople don't have the time for me to express my feelings or to talk in general, so I lock my feelings in a box and don't talk about them, instead, I listen to other people talk about theirs, my brain is the most fxcked out of my IRL friend group, and I always seem like the most mentally stable.
Zacster
07.04.2022 02:28
LinkAh, i think I understand what's happening here, since you don't have anyone to open up to you feel like you're neglected if that's what i'm getting at
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 02:35
LinkI don't process it as neglect, nor do I feel neglected at all... I just feel like an empty slate I guess... I don't feel neglected, I feel something else... I'm just not sure what
Zacster
07.04.2022 02:49
Linkwell know this: you're not alone in this and i'll help you get through this no matter what and i know it sounds sappy n shit but it's true! there's other people who are going through the same situation as you! you dont have to fight this battle alone, Shade. I wanna help, you're friends are here to support you through it no matter what! <:)
Shade-Is-Russian[OP]
07.04.2022 03:20
LinkAlrighty, I just hope that it stays that way
Zacster
07.04.2022 03:23
Linkyeah