cause there be lot to type

cause other ppl cant see it lol its private unless u see from link

so this drama thing came this anim explains..

and i was hurt alot... even my own friends.. kinda stabbed me in the back.. telling me pretty much my feelings were not valid..

i then thought i needed to keep it inside and fake happiness and fake being perfectly fine.. and for 2 days I kinda left flipanim.. those days were my hard days... so I didn't go on flipanim

so all the way back to 4th grade there was a girl named fallon me:* sits on bus on edge and fallon was on other edge too* fallon:" you still read graphic novels?" me: is there a prob with that?

fallon: its just below ur grade level me: mind ur buisness fallon: * mutters underbreath* b*tch

( forgot name so we will say jack) jack: eden me: not rn im reading fallon: dont be a bully to my friend! me: since when was he ur friend and mind ur business!

now im in 5th grade..

and my bff was friends with fallon and brought her to a vid call me:* mind* she prob changed

was i wrong she basically did the same thing those ppl did but way meaner

cause i told her abt my undiagnosed depression

im under so much stress! i kinda feel liek i shouldnt be alive!

i lost one of my airpods i feel so bad! i had them for less then a week! I'm a mistake! I'm crying cause I wish my mom had never gave birth to such a disaster

ive been faking my happiness for my followers on flipanim.. but now I'm just breaking down

yes i am.. i f*cking hate my life!

I JUST WISH I HADE NEVER EXISTED! I WANNA JUST DISAPEAR! DIE! IDC!

my motive is to just keep it in all of it in and not let others know what I'm going through! but I cant TAKE it!

ive wanted to kill myself

Explaining my depression to my mother: a conversation Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear The next it's the bear On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone I call the bad days "the Dark Days" Mom says, "try lighting candles" But when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church The flicker of a flame Sparks of a memory younger than noon I am standing beside her open casket It is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die Besides Mom, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem

Mom says, "I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed" I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head Mom says, "Where did anxiety come from?" Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party Mom, I am the party, only I am a party I don't want to be at Mom says, "Why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends"

Sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't want to go I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun, Mom You see, Mom, each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company

Mom says, "Try counting sheep" But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in Mom says, "Happy is a decision"

But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg My happy is a high fever that will break Mom says, I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying No Mom I am afraid of living Mom I am lonely I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep watching SportsCenter on the couch To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed But my depression always drags me back to my bed Until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city My mouth a boneyard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat But I am just a careless tourist here

I will never truly know everywhere I have been Mom still doesn't understand Mom, can't you see That neither can I

its a song. look up on youtube explaining my depression to my mother

thoughts?

d-dont kill urself! frick.. this is all my fault..

g-goodbe..

* goodbye.. be safe

I’m here for u ok? Pls stay safe. If u need to contact someone in ur house or suicide help line 😅 bye