my mother (really ****ing dumb and bad christian) would constantly say "if we're still on the earth" when talking about the future, and still does. shes talking about the rapture. but like, what the ****, you dont say that k8nd of shit to children, she said that stuff to me when I was a little ****ing kid, a tint child, she set it in my brain that I would basically not make it most likely, ****

I decided not to plan for any real future or think about it because my life was a ****ing what if. along with being sad as hell and confised at all times when younger and I just expected to be dead by now ****. I never expected to actually be alive long enough to have a life. libing is literally just a fantasy for me

my hate for her just keeps building up over the years and this added a lot to it