they're currently stressing me out a lot with work i didn't/couldn't do, despite the fact my counselor asked them not to since i was already doing the work in her office most of the week. they didn't really listen tho and just kept stressing me out more, which has started getting in the way of my now school work since im trying to sneak it in during class so my parents don't ruin my life again but it's ironic because they still are haha anyways my dad also lost his job and is putting a lot of pressure on me, since they're both saying "oh your problems are thiiis small compared to his" (inferring a threat to my life and my sanity that has been present for years is less important than losing a job) and that "we can't spend very much" which means i have to save food (most of which being bread, butter and coffee) until he gets a job again just in case

next, the problem with my friends many of them i met online, i've known them for years and they're incredibly close. when people ask "who are your best friends?" i often answer with this list: fauna (online friend/ my girlfriend) connor (online friend) nina (online friend) molly (irl friend) justice (irl friend) 3/5 are online friends. it's about to become 4/5 since justice is moving after winter break. which means, if i lose the internet, i lose them. my mom's considering taking me out of school, too, which means molly's gone as well and i'll be left with literally no friends. i'm gonna be honest, that thought keeps me up at night; one fell swoop and my friends, practically my second family at this point, are gone. last (i think), the suicide issue. so this is kind of two things. ill go over zero's problem at first. if you didn't know, zero is/was (i don't know yet) a very close friend. he vented to me, i vented to him, it was cool. he looked up to my art a lot, he looked up to me in ge

-neral, and it boosted my self esteem a bit. but one day, he posted a picture of himself, his exact address, and how he tried to kill himself. the last two messages from him were "the police are here" and "goodbye". it was several days ago and no response from him. it scares me, since he might have committed suicide. i never got the chance to say bye to him, either; nobody did. he was gone too fast. i'm really scared for him, and it's stressing me out more. next, there's the obvious suicide issue with me. i've attempted several times. i'd say it's about twelve times at this point? i'm not sure exactly but it's somewhere near that number. at this point it's on the same comfort level as venting. it's scaring my friends, it's scaring me, it's scaring everyone. but i really can't stop myself for some reason. i tell myself, "i'm going to stop attempting", but as soon as that depression spike hits i'm back in the bathroom chugging mouthwash, or trying to use the wire i cut off from my old vacuum cleaner as a

rope to hang myself with. and every time after i recover, i'm disappointed in myself that i couldn't keep my own promise for the sake of my friends and girlfriend. it just adds to the depression and self-doubt and makes everything worse, but it doesn't stop. i can't stop myself. i don't know why. i'd get help, but i can't trust people. i'm scared they're gonna send me to a mental hospital, or put me on anti-depressants that don't work and just make everything worse. it really doesn't help that when molly reached out to get me help, people jumped on me and FORCED me to talk. like, i had no choice, it was either talk to my parents, talk to the police or whoop, mental hospital. it was terrifying, and afterwards i couldn't even sleep in my own room because my parents didn't trust me. i'm gonna end the explanation here; i think that's everything. sorry if this is really long, i'm just trying to cram as much as i can in so you guys get my situation. i'll stop talking now, you guys are probably sick of me talk

-ing about my problems and not drawing actual art enough.

now, i've got to go to p.e. in a couple minutes. i'll try to respond to your comments (if anyone even leaves any) soon. bye.