I’m currently in a position where I can’t see a therapist for the next year, and I’ve been struggling with a lot. I think I have OCD or something similar, and the intrusive thoughts have been killing me. I can’t stand myself. It’s honestly to the point where I make myself feel physically sick. I hate waking up in the morning as the person I am. I feel like a burden on my family and an all around disgusting human being. I want to see a therapist and talk to someone but at the same time I don’t even feel like my feelings are valid. People go through so much worse than I do. I feel like I’m not deserving of help or even someone to talk to.

I think I make my family sad. My mom has had a hard time with some things lately, and I think I make it worse for her. It’s like I suck the energy out of everyone around me. I try so hard not to. I try to help people the best I can and not be an asshole when they annoy me. I can’t even control my emotions. I get angry so easily even though I try not to. I feel so selfish for it. I keep relying on other people but I can’t seem to help them when they need it. I let my emotions go and I hurt their feelings. I don’t want to be like this anymore, but I’m terrified that this is the person I am. I don’t want to be a bad person. But then I think of all the trouble I’ve gotten into my whole life and all the things other people have said about me behind my back, and I can’t help but wonder if it really was my fault. Maybe I really was being a dick.

I just hope all of this changes. It’s hard to not feel stable as the person I am. I just absolutely loath myself and I’m trying to change it so I can give back to the people who have helped me.

Thank you. I’ve been trying hard to keep myself happy. <3