Like usual

I think my knows i do self harm When we were doing my labs she had to hold my arms down because i was having a full on ****ing flight or fight pqnic attack and was ready to push of who ever came close And she kinda felt up on my wrists and made a slight oh I later when she asked lied about it bc masking disorder i cant ****ing open up and i think she got the point i wasnt ready to talk about it yet and let me change to subject but last week i noticed she took my hair scissors which is what i use to cut and with the stress of like all of recent everything i cant cut so like theres like a funyy feeling in my arms and my tounge and thighs and jaw because (i think) ive grown a dependancy on cutting myself which is just ****ing pathetic tbh and ive scratching at my ar!s to likw try and get it away but like it hasnt really worked well it just brought back my burn scar thingys idk and i broke off a big chunk of my nail (1/2)

Im pretty sure im losung feelings fpr her BUT LIKE I COULD BE WRONG i think its because we have opposite live languages and because its more of a masked relationship than anything, i mean we B A R E L Y talk She doesnt even know how to spell my name which scares me, a l o t, fell didnt even know my name for the first what eight months, and ive told him over and over. So what if its just like him all over again where i just keep forcing myself to stick with them until right before the trainwreck. Also i think its because for like the first time in a while im not dating one of my constants. I just feel like im walking on eggshells trying to keep us afloat but like she isnt the problem i know its me i know i havent been putting as much effort into our realtionships as i could have, i just wish i could talk to one of my friends about it but like, i feel like annoy them enough, most of them dont reply, and maybe their busy but idk, its not like theyre bad friends, Theyre amazing i can just be a bit much, and im t

Trying to fix that, anf its easier than i thought it just doesnt exactly make me all that happy abt it, i dk its boring which i know is bad and i can fix it and im trying to fix that too, i feel like im losing everypne, like im losing my people, because of me and um trying to fix it and im so so sorry, i just want to be your guys friends but again im a bit !uch and i feel lile im also a control freak and i need to blend in more let someone else take the reigns, because i am not qualified enough to be cwnter stage i want to be a side charaecter, but not to them, iwant us all to be equal but i feel i take to much and i try to fix it and i try to shut the **** up but its so much trickier than i thought, its like i unmask around them, whoch i know is gpod, but its bad.so so so bad because i unwind and they see the real me, im braggy, explosive, flamboyant, extroverted, and all aroumd folterless i do t speak before i talk and sometimes i wish i did, but its so hard keeping my focus on masking and my show persona

When im around them, theyre so kind and welcoming, so thoughtful and patient, so ****ing amazing and i appricate them fully but when i am around them i feel like i dont show it very well, i feel like i make them all uncomfortable, the only way i know how to give feedback in any sort of positive relationship (i.e platonic, romantic, or sexual) is through physical contact, example safety buddy, someone who i can just.run up and hug or hold their hand or something like that and i know they wont care (not like them saying i dont want a hug and i hug them anyways more like HOLY **** THEYRE ALONE IN AN OPEN SPACE IM GOING TO SNEAK UP AND HUG THEM FROM BEHIND) but like i feel like i make my safety buddy uncomfortable and i feel really bad about it, and i know the solution would to like carry around some ****ing plushie or so!ething, and sometimes i do (BABY YODA) BUT I GET WEIRD LOOKS and i fix it and i blend in but then i feel like i dont appricqte them and then im too affectuonate and i make the! Uncomfy and then

The plushie and again and again and again AND IM constantly trapped in this anexity cycle with no way out no calm in the eye of the storm and i just collapse inward and tear at myself until i bleed just to get myself "concious" or "focused" again and i grow a dependacy and now im too pathetic so i have to fix it BUT THEN I BLEND IN TOO MUCH SO I TRY TO STAND OUT AND THEN THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I DONT APPRCIATE MY FRIENDS ENOUGH SO PHYSICAL CONTACT BUT THEN I MAKE THEM UNCOMFY QAND THEN I GET WEIRD LOOKS AND STARTS AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN and i fix it again and again and again and its not fixing anything and i dont know what the real big problem woth me is i dont like this im a mess and im unstable im like lighting.trying to hit the one spot everyone wa ts me too but im ****ing lightning guys not an exact science im completly burnt out and im so tired of being in control but the only way to fix that is to be in control of my problem and to find my problem i need to be in control.of myself and i dont feel li

Like im in control right now because they only thing i have control over has been taken by mom with good intentions but bwcause of it im spiraling out of control because i have no control and i have to get control but to get control i have to loose control but if i loose control i loose controk AND I DOMT ****ING LIKE THIS and i cant medicaye because.!y pills are.down stairs and that !eans i have to go past paula whos going to ask me what im doing and then shes going to tell my dad and im goijg tonget introuble and god im so scared hes never laid a hand on me but the pills are all ihave of myself and we cant afford anymore and i need to figure out how im going to pay for my next dose because i meed my sleeping meds too i cant sleep and when i do sleep it makes me unmask more.because i dream of them and i loose control and im loosing control IM LOOSIMG MY FUVKING MIND i just want yo blow up like a bomb im going to explode and their will be nothing but me and nothing no sound no nothing just white pure white

I wont need to worry about what people think of me anymore

God im so narcissistic how could i think about myself this much im ****ing crazy theres people dying and my brother is about to snap and i habe to fix that first i have to fix !y mother and mine relationship but i also have to fix mine with ash and i have to fix mine with my friends and i have to fix mine with paulas and my dads but if i do that ill stop coming to terms with my feelings like the fact that maybe im just like every other constant and i love.that but my only problem is a ilack confidence i miss my bracelets jfc theyre the only thing keeping !e stable jesus how sefish can i get, not my friends trying to help me, or my family, or.my partner but a matal two heade snake i.wear on my left and gift from someone who matters.so ****ing much to me then again i did do witchy stuff to the snake so it gives me confidence maybe i ****ed up anf put too much of my energy into the bracelet qnd now when im away ffrom it, it takes all my confidence, becayse it holds all my confidence maybe thatd why i dont like m

My body or personality(?) I want people tp like me so bad that i just ski m over the people that matter most to me and go straight for the people that can me a shred of.confidence even if its fake.like fell or.80s or morgan. But its also because of them that i have no confidence, mayne when they give me confidence jt takes what little i had left anf now i cant fuction on my own bevause they took all my real comfidence, i mean look and vid we used to love purselfs so much and it was because of her she was my confidence maybr because she left my system i dont habe any mayne now a piece of my armour is gone, but i dont think the armour is to protect me i think people need to be sheilded from me because one day ill.loose it all and ill just blow up on impact and no one will be able.to save me (us?) Gods i hope that when i die it will be peaceful i cant handle another me in another life i hope the after life thingy i wont care anymore and ill just be happy

That was only supposd to be two comments

Thank you for like jfabjaheufh taking the time to respond andv like thank you this means a lot

UGLY CRYING

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