ALL because i cant move on?? thats it?? and that i feel like im destroying my own friendship and then i complain whenever it feels like ur getting closer with someone else as if i didnt set that up

im vagueposting again when will iever stop i wont because hiow am i supposed to tell you that my ENTIRE problem is that i miss "what we had" when im sure youre just trying to be more inclusive? i dont know it just feels like we used to have a special kind of friendship and now it feels like whatever that bond was went to with somebody else and its one of the worst feelings ive ever experienced

just vbecause i cant move on GOD what am i supposed to do?? i dont know HOW TO MOVE ON OR HOW TO STOP GETTING BOTHERED BY YOUR CLOSENESS WITH SOMEONE ELSE litertally wjhat is with me oh my god ill bet this is just ruining everythjing MORE the more i vent the more i ruin shit and when i end up being up front about why im always so down it still doesnt fix anything because the true, unfiltered reason is because i miss when it felt like you were closer with me than anyone and now it feels like youre closer with someone else which IT HAPPENS and hell i could be wrong but the way i perceive it it looks like: you feel uncomfortable being around me in person, closeness, affection, etc. you bring up other said person frequently when irrelevant to tje conversation, it feels; like youre just oberall more excited to do something with them and that does bother me but the thing is its probably because im ****ing weird??.. and i cant move on?? and you wouldnt wanna send of mixed signals by being affectionate because you

KNOW i cant move on. and thats why i feel like i ****ed up everything by ever catching feelings in the first place because it got terribly out of hand and as soon as whatever it was in april ended i spiraled so terribly to the point where i cant go back to being how i used to be. at least i was somewhat better before i confessed because that bond we had even before all that felt good and happy and everything but now it feels like in person im just there and GOD why cant i accept the fact that im not extra special and that im not going to get like a bunch of attention and affection? what is my problem why am i so desperate jsut to be held like i once was why cant i just allow myself to move on sometimes i really do try to move on and then i crumble again the second im not given immediate love and affection and I DONT KNOW HOW TO ****ING STOP IM STUCK IN A LOOP OF VENTING AND WORRYING YOU AND ULTIMATELY DESTROYING OUR FRIENDSHIP AND WHATEVER I FEEL WE USED TO HAVE IS SO FAR AWAY NOW BECAUSE OF HOW MUYCH IVE

PROBABLY MENTALLY DAMAGED YOU AND I KNOW YOU HATE TO SEE ME **** MYSELF UP LIKE THIS BUT I DONT KNOW HWAT IM SUPPSOED TO DO EVERY LITTLE THING MAKES ME FEEL SAD EVERY LITTLE THING REMINDS ME OF THE PAST I CANNOT STOP DWELLING ON THE PAST i dont want you tyo find thi because youll be upset or scared or worried sick and that obviously means youll distance yourself more like any normal person would and to me it feels like drifting apart if i cant stand you and them being close like that maybe i just cant handle having friends unless im someone's NUMBER ONE. I DONT DESERVE YOU AFTER EVERYTHING AND YOU STILL CHOOSE TO STAY WITH ME why? and yet i still cant move on

i wish there was something i could do to fix everything i wish i could go back in time to april before i confessed and made sure it never happened because maybe then our bond wouldnt have changed after i started spiraling when you lost feelings if only i could fix everything i miss how it used to be in fall 2024 january 2025 every time that felt like our bond was like no other, when i feel like you liked me in a way that could just stay at that without any labels being slapped on it i wish i wasnt so desperate and sick i wish i couldve been born a normal person

and even with all this NOTHING is going to change and its my fault for not being able to move on so i quit

im not making this for attention im makign this bevause im hurting and i need some way to heal before i end up doing something terirble i need.actual ****ing help talk therapy is SHIT i need something else i need something more

i dont even wanna havbe my birthfday party anymore i donyt even wanna make it to 15 but of course im not allowed to want my pain to ewnd because it would be selfish and everyone would oribably hate me

if someone knows somewjerre i can go to get my shit straight PLEASE tell me. i dont wanna live like this another day. i cant help myself. i cant live knowing every day i hope somethingwill change and it never does. i cant keep doing this. im hurting everyone around me and myself a lot

im not mad at you or anyone im mad at myselg

i mainly just need some sort of advice, thank you for askign