my mind doesn't want to fully process denial even when it's right there in front of me, clear as day

part of me doesn't want to accept the truth

Looking back at those photos it feels like I was a whole different person talking to you

I remember how happy I used to be And I still am I'm happy when I talk to you But something changed A feeling inside of me that nags me every second that is TELLING me something changed

I wish things could go back to the way they were and I never felt this way because then maybe I could save myself a lot of stress and save you all the worrying

I have hopes for the future Maybe things will change again, they always do Maybe it'll make things better this time

maybe if I wasn't so obsessed and dead set on one thing then that would fix everything But I don't want to blame myself, it seems wrong

I don't want to blame you either I want to blame my feelings, not just me

I'll keep holding onto a lost sense of hope though Maybe something will change if I keep telling myself that I know that it won't in reality but in a surreal moment like this the most I can do is tell myself lies so I can feel better at least for now

I have to keep hoping for the future Because truthfully I don't know what will happen I don't know if I'll get better or worse

at such a low point in my life like this where everything feels drained of its color it's honestly hard to tell

You make me happier than anybody else in my life though I hope you know that I'm really scared to lose you for that reason so please Please just bear with me in this moment Even though its tough and I keep talking about my problems and acting different I want you to stay with me Because I think I'd be lost without you Thank you for being there for me

To anyone who cared to read all of this nonsense I appreciate that you care too Even if you didn't, you're an amazing person whoever you are and I appreciate you

if any of this came out wrong or gave anybody a false sense that I was going to do something horrible I am not going to harm myself or attempt in any way, I re-read the last few comments I left and figured they sounded wrong without context so I wanted to make that absolutely clear so I don't have more people worrying about me

I'm just working to improve my mental health and 'venting' like this (especially when non-violent / aggressive like some of my previous vents) helps me express my emotions a lot better than speaking does given my love for writing

I will get better, and I'll keep telling myself that until I do