i hate that to everyone else i just look like im begging for attention “pls, give me attention, give me love, give me reassurance so i feel like someone!!” and the thing is it makes me sound like i’m USING people i care about my friends so much though i care about people i don’t even know it feels like trios almost never work out because no matter what there will always be a bond between two people i just wish it could be only me i hate how badly i crave constant attention i wish i was someone you could hang out with rather than DEAL with nobody can just be around me i’m someone they have to look after because im such a ****ing mess

i don’t want to be “ONE of the best” or “ONE of someone’s favorite” i want to be THE best i want to be THE favorite im sick and im selfish and i want it to myself it’s constantly bugging me too everytime my friends hangout with someone else, talk to someone else, mention someone else, i feel unwanted even though im NOT MY FRIENDS ARE DOING THE BEST THEY CAN they don’t deserve this, it’s literally a chore to be around me they deserve to rest without someone constantly looking sad around them and making them think they did something wrong

i wish that my friends weren’t my ANCHORS i wish i wasn’t so dependent on them and i keep saying i wish i wish i wish and i know people are gonna tell me i have to make the change and work on my behavior but im so ****ing tired and so ****ing drained it feels pointless trying because i always fall back into square one. god maybe if i would just keep my mouth shut for once NONE of this would have happened and i’d be okay but no im stuck in this forever loop of worrying my friends and constantly complaining and that gives them no other choice but to distance themselves for their mental sake i’ve been complaining like this and wanting to be “loved” even though i literally am for MONTHS now i can just imagine how tired they are of it but do i stop? no. i don’t because i physically cannot adopt a positive mindset and work on skills to get better it feels fake whenever i do no matter how hard i gaslight myself into thinking everything’s gonna be okay i eventually spiral again and it feels like i can never res

rest* i’ll never truly be at peace because i’ve ****ed up my life so bad that my mindset has completely went to mush and all i can think about is how bad everything is

i hate how quickly i ****ing fold whenever any of my friends show me affection it’s like some weird little dopamine rush that tells me “you got the attention you wanted everything’s gonna be okay for like a minute yaay :)” and then i lose all sense of reality again and get all upset when they do it to someone else and i won’t deny any of this because i know i do it and there’s no point in saying i don’t as ****ed up as it is i still do it doesn’t matter how wrong it is, it doesn’t change that im like this

why do people not give up on me by now i’d rather be exhausted than them be exhausted by having to constantly put up with my bullshit

i’m so ****ing tired of everyone