first thought uhhhh how to. how to explain to people ???? mental illness things ???????? mmainly cos like,, i have ocd tendencies, you followin? and this affects me, a //lot// and one of the biggest misconceptions about ocd is this obsession with cleanliness and germs, but ?? that's. that's not always the case. yeah, some people hyperfixate on cleanliness and their behaviors tend to fall into more "well-known" parts of ocd, but that's not all there is/can be i have to rewrite things until they're "perfect," for instance. i'll do it obsessively, spending hours and hours rewriting a sentence or even just a word or a letter, trying to make my handwriting neater. i know, logically, that even if and when my work and actions aren't perfect? nothing bad is going to happen because of it. i know this, but i can;t change the feeling in my chest and how awful everything about these imperfections is; or rather, how awful what they make me //feel// is.

i try to prevent myself from having certain thoughts, for no good reason. i repeatedly count things, and i always Have to have all the windows and blinds Closed, especially if i'm alone or with people that i don't trust much. odd numbers are bad, they make me feel bad, i Can't Have Them. which is ****ing, y'know. wack asf. i'll literally throw away money that i have, money that i need and that i am saving for important, necessary things. and i can't stand it when my anims have an odd amount of comments. it just ****s me over, i don't know why. :mental illness moment: uhh okay wait i had Another Thought i wanted to share i think

uhhh i have uhhhh. 2 personality disorders, by the way. if u guys weren't aware of that by now lol and,,, they're so weird ?? like ??? having them ???? knowing this ?????? recognizing how my behavior, how my ///personality/// is affected by them ???????? like,,, when my dpd starts to influence my hpd? ohhhh boy im ****ed. not only do i tend to just like. hyperfixate on Actual People, like my Friends who i would very much like to Not Be Constantly Thinking About Please, with this added in ????? ohhhhhhh boy. now im extremely emotionally dependent on them and i need All Of Their Attention !!! All The Time !!!!! but it also makes me feel super crappy cos. i know this behavior is "weird." it makes people uncomfortable, it's unusual, it's unhealthy, and it's just ???? it's plain ****ed. like hoooooly Wow i am ****ed In The Head !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i just read that over and YES i realized how ableist that sounds but. i don't know how else to really phrase how i feel about this nn shit. words hard, man :/

anyways, speaking of that sorry if i creep u out or anythin :[[ like sorry, genuinely, if you end up being the object of my hyperfixation, man. i do not mean anything by it, i just can't control my brain very well :[[[[ sorry babes <3 /p/gen

comments so that you know i'm not ignoring you. hi not enough spoons left 2 go on disc rn but i'll add u whenever i can