its like bayley cares abt me more than my whole family bc she lets me hold her while i cry and she lays right beside me i feel so useless all my sisters are better than me and smarter than me espcially the 3rd oldest im so jealous she could go to any collage she wanted and she has really nice friends its like everything is going right for her and im only doing everything for attention she told me once she turns 18 she wants to take me to canada LOL so me and her can live together even though she hates my guts because im a stupid dickhead sometimes she acknowledges how messed up i am and wants to get me help but she never asks if i wanna talk she just tells me that she defends me whenever people say mean things about me which only makes me more self conscious but wtv

my family doesnt believe in mental health problems they just think its easy to get over it in a day my dad makes my sisters ask me questions about the scars on my legs and then they tell me not to answer it and that theyll say its from bayley like ok why did u even ask me

i remember when i was 8 or something close to that my sister showed me her self harm and told me to tell no one i was really scared because she was bleeding and she told me it was red ink i couldnt keep the secret and told our mom she went through her phone and she didnt get her phone back until next year but she hated me after that and would tell me that she cut to her bone once and i was scared to sleep because we shared a room and thought she was gonna cut me after like 2 months later our cousin came over and my sister was playing with the scissors i think and i grabbed them from her and told her not to cut herself MKLVBNM sorry and she grabbed the scissors and threatened to cut me instead and and my mom looked at ME like i was crazy for telling her not to cut herself i just noticed how all of my siblings threatened to kill me atleast once..

i also got told i was racist because i said my cousin and a character from harry potter would look cute together when i was 10 and she went mad and called me racist bc they were both black and i cried myself to sleep because i thought i was racist

and i get called weird by my family for praying alot and none of them believe i actually pray because they think im a satanist because i have an attitude like okay atleast i havent threatened to kill any of you or showed you guys my self harm right away after doing it

even if there is a heaven or hell im going to hell because i did something really bad when i was younger i cant stop thinking about it everyday it makes me barf ;-;

ik

i love you so much ^_____^

ty ^_^