I always try to hide that im not ok from other people becuase i dont want them to hurt or waste their time helping me. I think that i can do it on my own. I am a heccin socially akward person and a jerk sometimes, i dont mean to hurt people but i always do and i remember it and bother myself about it. even if its years later. i dont know how i can stop being a jerk other than not talking to people at all but i love my friends and i dont want to leave them. every time i think that im better its just worse and i end up hurting people more and i dont know what to do. After everybody in my house is asleep i will punch myself and hit myself with a full waterbottle thinking i deserve it, and sometimes i think i really do. i often want things to be wrong with me and i dont know why. i always feel like i need pressure on my back or else i get small anxiety attacks and i dont know how to stop it when i cant put pressure on my back. ive found out that having a small boa(a snake that squeezes) in ,y hand really helps an

and calms me down but my dad wont let me get one becuase he doesnt like snakes. i hate my breasts and i want them to go away but my mom says that i have to wait until they stop growing. im sorry for horrible grammar, im just typing my feels

dont think my family is bad tho, they are really loving and so are my friends.

i think im done,