ive started writing it
9 comments
CarrotVibe[OP]
13.03.2022 17:27
Linkhave some
Short one
Sennit woke up at around 4:34 in the morning, being as it was so early, the sky was still dark. He opened his eyes, and turned on the bed to stand up on the floor, using his hearing and feeling to find his way around his bedroom, since he was blind. He knew his room like he knew his own name, and reached for the door to get ready for his day.
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A few hours later, Sennit was hard at work at the diner register, using the strings leading to the tables to bring his customers their breakfasts, smiling when a child complemented his cooking.
"Why thank you!"
He went back to the counter, and he heard the bell ring as a customer entered.
"Hello, what can I get you?"
The customer sat at a table, noticing the strings attached, he obviously had never been here before.
Sennit heard the customer sit, and he turned his head to face in that direction. "If you don't mind, would you pull the string at your table, please?"
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CarrotVibe[OP]
13.03.2022 17:29
LinkThe customer did so, and the string triggered a small mechanism that flipped a small switch.
Sennit reached his hand toward the switches, and felt the one that was flipped.
"I'll be right with you."
Sennit used the string to lead himself to the table and stood in front of the customer. "What would you like?" He handed the customer a menu.
The customer looked at Sennit, then saw his eyes.
"Whoa... you're blind...?"
Sennit nodded. "Yes, I am." The customer seemed curious and impressed.
"So you run this diner on your own?"
CarrotVibe[OP]
13.03.2022 17:29
Linkthats all for now, tell me what you think
Do mind my wording I’m aware I can be a little harsh sometimes-
Okay so it’s starting off kinda sloppy? Like it’s really pushing it that he’s blind, I think it might be fun if the reader discovers that sennit is blind with the customer, like- lead them on? And you keep getting descriptive and then washing it out and it’s making it difficult to read-
I feel like the diner could be wayyy more discriptive and if you don’t mind me giving you some examples I would love to help
The customer is completely bland, they just walked in with no presence whatsoever and if it’s supposed to be a story about their romance- I think the customer should lead on with a lot more presence
Otherwise they’ll feel like another background character you know?
And like
Pointing out someone is blind is very anticlimactic
Like
Wow.
Other than that
It’s decent