life that you don't let anyone know is eating you up inside. But you are followed by hundreds of young kids who need good role models and need to see everyone's happy so they stay happy. so you bottle everything up inside hoping that they won't see how you feel and how that can happen to them, and you're just scared you're going to explode again and this time you won't come back and you will break.. but then again you haven't broken in the last seven years so why now adds to the confusion right? but being confused makes you feel stupid and unworthy. so you start to believe that you are and you don't know why but it starts to chip at you and you start to feel that empty feeling again, like when people drown and they get that last breath of air before they go under, little bits of hope holding you together but it's so delicate that you're scared it might break and bring you down with it.

so you're just stuck.

Which starts every worry fear and thought from the beginning and you start this all over again and each time you go through this cycle and cuts one of those little strings you're so desperately holding onto.

but what if I let go of this "string" would that make me broken or stronger than my fears, but now I'm confused which makes me feel stupid and unworthy. Then you start to notice a pattern the old saying is true "every action has an equal opposite reaction" and now you're scared everything you've ever done is just going to come back and slap you in the face.

so you just continue to hold on for now. continuing to go through with this and hoping that maybe he'll come back online in a hour or two so you can talk to him and tell him how much you love him and you can smile at how much he says he loves you and what he did today and how funny and cute he is.

holy shit spelling that out actually helped and me feel a little better

you're fine it's not you