Why I can't sleep..vent
by:
Skyisthatguy 
183
183
03.12.2018
7 comments
axel-animates
03.12.2018 05:02
Link:(((((((((((((
I don't get why, It was a week or two ago and I think I should be over it, but I can't stop thinking about it at night, and It feels easier talking to people I don't know, so PLEASE don't say I'm doing this for attention, I just need a way to get it out. I can't write in a diary, because it feels stupid, and I just want some more comfort then "It's okay, he's in a better place" and "He's not in pain anymore." I spent my thanksgiving break in Pennsylvania after the Sunday of that week, when my grandfather died half an hour after we left his house. I was at his funeral, and at the viewing, it felt like he was going to just..wake up. It felt like he was just asleep, and I was waiting for him to wake up. I don't want him gone, I want for my future wife to meet him after she flies here from Utah, I wanted her to shake his hand and marvel at how tall he was, and how deep his voice is, and how big his hands are. He was my gentle giant, and I wanted him to see me with the car of my dreams, some old Chevy from the 60'
s, I wanted him to show me how to fix it if I ever broke down, show me everything he knew, he was an amazing mechanic, he could fix anything. That's all they said at the viewing and at the funeral. "He could fix anything". but I barely knew him. It's so unfair. and I feel so selfish wanting all of these things, and I know i mostly make happy posts, and this is a drastic change, but at night it hurts so much more. He was so stubborn, he smoked all his life. He didn't stop after they diagnosed him with cancer, didn't stop when he had half of a lung and was supposed to be on oxygen. He was writhing in pain when we got there that Sunday. He was on Morphine and cannabis oils, he looked like a skeleton.
And it didn't really hit me when our dad stopped the car, and told us he got a call from my aunt saying grandpa was dead. It wasn't when we were packing, or when we got to the hotel. It was when I put that ****ing rose in his open casket. I felt so odd when everyone else was crying, I didn't FEEL anything. I guess I was in shock for almost a week, because as soon as I grabbed the rose and put it down, I cried. But maybe it still didn't hit, because I was sad and I cried, but I didn't really understand WHY. After they spoke at the funeral, when I touched my hand to the closed casket, It clicked. And the crying I did then was only matched by what I did tonight, knowing all of those things I wanted were never going to happen.
I'm Sorry for you and i'll be there for you no matter what happens all you got to do is cross the street and i'm there.