i got so close to wanting to just.... dig my nails into my throat and tear out my voice box, to wanting to sew my mouth shut and just mute myself

for the past hour or so i havent said a single thing, havent made a single sound, because i dont wanna hear it, i dont wanna hear my voice

every single time i think its gonna have a good day, every time it doesnt immediately cause me frustration, its gotta go and ****ing relapse, not even my best voice exercises can keep it decent for an hour

the only time its decent is when im sick, or congested, or ive just got mucus in my throat i almost wish i would stay like that, just for the sake of my voice