It always came in waves. And it started happening after they changed, and we started fighting more and more. Id start getting scared and started crying uncontrollably, scratching and hitting myself cause I hated how I was. They never helped with that, and an add on of my mom saying the exact same things wasn't any good. My mom isn't the best mom, she'd guilt me into everything and eventually I started to realize that. And my idea of love was already so messed up. I was more scared of everything but I didn't know that at the time. Scared id always say something wrong but scared if I didnt say anything at all the thoughts would get louder. I didnt want them to cause all they could do was say wrong things of other people, and also make me hate myself. Repeat everything they said over and over again. Mostly the words from my dad. But with me in my head alone, I was able to atleast know I was wrong, everyone else had other people, friends who would say things, family who would help them.

But I was to afraid to try and talk to anyone cause everytime I do, I **** something up somehow. But either way its not like I could, even if people, good people, were there for me, I was to wrapped up in my own doubt to try and talk to them cause or what has happened over and over again. So id be alone. Always doing things alone. But no one would really try to help. Tho did I really deserve help. I am not a good person, but why am I the only one who ever realizes what I do wrong. But id be getting yelled at, by everyone. And eventually some how everyone soon started to yell at me. My mom thought it was okay, cause we would always act like it was okay after she screamed at us to leave her house

Which at the moment, I dont feel like ending it. As I did before. Everytime I got in these moods id want to hurt myself, but today I've been still. I dont know if I should expect a worst wave later tonight. Hopefully I can force myself to sleep

I hope so too. It has actually started to get better. Tho im mentally punching myself to stop thinking of how someone always made me feel cause that is over with now

Thank you, sorry I disappeared. My sister dragged me off to do something