i can actually just use this like a diary i forgot

life has been different lately. i chose to get out of my comfort zone a while back and butterfly effect really kicked in, paranoia screwed with me, i am anxious about death again. but because i have things to lose now. i have a clear idea of an actual life i want, but past the age of 30 i dont know. my judgement is good, im good at revelling in thought. my body feels like. a muddy pond right now. i dont even know what that means, but its exactly how i feel. theres only one place i wanna be, and only like three people i can TRULY rely on (that doesnt include myself i have mixed feelings about myself.) i feel less and less human. more and more conscious.

i feel so awake when hes not with me. so alone and awake, and i do not like it. if given the choice, i would sleep for as long as he doesnt spend time with me, i could live with him as the only one in my life and i would be happy, but its not a dependency thing, i just would be genuinely content with just him here for me. i could live like that, i could live with one person of value with me.

i just wanna eat icecream, eat his food, watch sonic, do art commissions, make money, have an apartment together and go to the CSC with him. and experience what i didnt get to. then we would make planss, decorate, make plans and do what makes us happy

4:30 AM

i was unproductive yesterday, which i do regret, i had lots of time to myself and then i forgot about what mattered in that moment, i didnt get anything done, ill wake up and hopefully feel nice and fuzzy again, soft. im more sensitive these days, and i melt rather easily.

dunno what "these hours" mean but its fine either way, i have no significance here and i do not wish to