my best friend ****ing killed themself

yknow what's really funny was i was planning on doing that today too

i lost the one person who gave me a reason to keep on trying

im gonna be with them tonight

whatever happens after death i'll be there with them

they promised they'd never leave me so why

i know they were going through a lot but now they're gone. it could've gotten better and yet they left me. the horror on my face when i saw their message, it was at around midnight. hours ago. maybe if i was awake i could've talked them out of it.

it's taking everything out of me to not break down in class

im so sorry inkie im sorry i wasnt there for you

I'm sorry for how dry i was the night before

this is so much ****ing worse than when people have blocked me. this is SO much worse. i cannot do this i dont even know what to do

i didnt think things could get worse but this. this is the worst thing that could've ever happened

i feel like im gonna throw up this isn't real it can't be

this has to be some bad dream it has to be

me and them are platonic soulmates because no way we're both killing ourselves a day apart???? hahahahaaha we're so awesome!!!!! i miss them so much it physically hurts

i cant believe i was gonna put them through this. im glad i dont have to.

if the overdose doesn't work tonight then im gonna just slit my throat or smth. i WILL die.

im sorry i couldn't save you inkie im so sorry

they were the sweetest person ive ever met, they were always there for me and they had so much patience with me. i cant believe they're gone i cant do this

someone just wake me up from this bad dream

they were so young. they were 15, turning 16 on october 7th. i always saw them as a nice purple to orange sunset gradient color. the scent i assigned to them was the smell of blood

they had such a horrible life i really wish there was something i could do to make their life better they didn't deserve their horrible life

im trying so hard to not break down in class i genuinely cannot focus. im sorry inkie im sorry im sorry

i'd give anything for you to come back and tell me that you're okay

maybe they knew i was gonna kill myself and so they did before me so they wouldn't have to deal with my loss. i knew they said they'd die without me but i didn't think they were 100% serious about it

i am so nauseous this cant be real none of this is real

someone just tell me this is a bad dream please

idk what to do idk what to do

i couldn't even speak to my other friend because of this. usually im always able to speak to her

you guys as much as i appreciate you, this isn't the only reason im going to kms!!! even before this i was already planning it, this was just my absolute last ****ing straw!!!! i just needed somewhere to type all this shit out while im still in school to keep myself from breaking down. i am aware that my friends and others will grieve over me, i have thought this through for YEARS. this has been my absolute worst year. ive lost my cat, then my favorite person, then i lost more close friends and my bestie, then some MORE friends, and now im about to lose my current cat and dog (which my poor dog gets abused by my family, i can't wait for them to find a better home for him he deserves it) and my best friend ****ing killed themself. i can only handle so much, not to mention my home life is also ****ing awful!!! i did in fact get yelled at the other day for opening up to someone, and once again mum made it about her🩷 i love my mum but she's made me absolutely miserable for these past few years. i do feel bad for

what im gonna put my friends through, because they've been the ones there for me throughout everything and they are the reason ive made it this far, but i genuinely cannot ****ing take it anymore. i love my friends so much and i do hope they'll be okay after this. im sure they will, they're really strong people. much stronger than i am. i dont really know what to do for right now, tho. i dont even know if i should tell them my final goodbyes or not

im actually in so much physical pain from this it's not even funny idk how im gonna play my clarinet in like 10-20 mins

i hate physically feeling literally every emotion i have **** this!!! i can no longer cry tho so that's good i guess, but like idk anymore, i wanna go to sleep and wake up to everything being okay but that obviously will never happen because that's not how life works.💔

i slept for 16 hours straight on the weekend, from 1am-5pm i wish i was asleep right now

i gtg to band in a few minutes i dont wanna go i wanna go home even tho being home sucks just as much as school, but at least i'd have my kittie. tonight will be my last night with her.☹ everything hurts so much lmao!!! my kittie was so clingy last night she was all over me, im gonna miss her so much. i hope her new family will treat her well.

i have to go to band now, i guess i'll just get through it??? idk. i dont really have a choice,,, im so tired everything is exhausting, idk what to do anymore i dont knw anything i miss inkie so much usually i'd be sending them a message rn. i gtg bye

i have math after band. they loved math just as much as i do, it was something we bonded over. they took AP math and i was a bit jealous, ive always wanted to have higher math stuff. i was so proud of them because they're really really smart, it's upsetting that they were pressured so much because of their mother. they would've grown up into such an amazing person, they had such a bright future ahead even if they didn't see it. they're so talented and overall they're the sweetest.

i wish i was there for them more, i wish their mother wasn't so horrible. i hate their mother more than i hate my own sister. i have never hated someone more than my sister before

i absolutely ****ing despise her. she is the worst person i have ever heard anything about. she's the main reason they're gone i ****ing hate her i hate her i hate her i hate her. how could anyone do that to their own child? how could anyone drive their own child to taking their own life?? it's not fair i hate her i ****ing hate her. she never cared about them she never stopped and thought to herself "maybe this is too much for my child." they ****ing clearly weren't doing well at all. they wore themself out entirely. im sorry you had to go through so much inkie, i miss you

im at the cafeteria now. inkie really struggled to eat at lunch i was always so proud of them anytime they'd manage to eat during lunch, they did their best for me and it really meant a lot. i used to always encourage them to eat at least a little bit everyday, i might try to eat for them although im not sure because the line is so long

ended up getting pizza, it was ok. has a strange aftertaste. praying that when i go home i'll get a message from inkie telling me they ended up okay.☹

might doodle some stuff on here to keep me occupied for the rest of the day, if i dont do something i'll probably end up doing stuff i shouldn't in class

went back and re read the message, still genuinely cant believe that it's real. i still can't believe it happened

i didnt get any messages from them and i am still blocked on where they sent the message. im surprised they didn't block me anywhere else, i sent them one message. i might try to message them here and there, i miss them so much.

they were apologizing and telling me how it's too exhausting n stuff, it was a short paragraph. i can tell not much thought was into it and they were just overwhelmed while writing it. i wish i could've held them and comforted them, i wish i was at least there for them. maybe if i didn't act so dry earlier they would still be here

they've been so busy recently, and my attachment to them was already growing more and more. inkie you didn't deserve to end this way☹ im sorry i didn't do more for you

i'll be with you soon inkie i hope you'll be happy to see me, whatever happens after death

i need to distract myself before i break down. i think im gonna throw up tho

it means a lot more than you think, thank you🩷 im still not changing my mind, though

the typos were a bit funny ngl, and the LAST person i trust is my mum😭 she literally kept on hitting me yesterday and yelling at me invalidating my feelings entirely, and she got mad at me for opening up to someone i know irl so!!! not really an option. might not do it tonight tho only because i reaalllllly wanna make something yummy tmr,,, and i promised someone something and i do not break promises i am not a liar so i have to do that first. i do not trust adults!!! they're the least trustworthy people ever. and if i tell a teacher they are obligated to report that stuff which i do not want either!!! i dont have many options lmao but i'll be fine for now

tjank you🫂🩷

see, you get it!!! my best friend promised they wouldn't leave so basically it's an invitation to join them