What am I supposed to tell myself other than “it’s your own fault that people aren’t interested in you” Uhm Oh wow look u drew something and you got the same two people saying the same thing for the millionth time! How..amazing? Lmao One more year n then I can buy a gun and kms!!!! /hj..maybe Ahah I’m so. Sick Of this Whsteverrr no more emo nust Ish it’s whatever

I’ve only ever really felt important to one person I wonder if they see me as selfish the way I see everyone else I’m a bad person I know so But they still take the time out of their day to check on me, when we talk they ask questions about me, when I’m upset they know how to cheer me up Maybe it comes with a territory after being friends for so long But no matter what they’ve been there for me I want more people like that around me I don’t think it’s that selfish to ask I can’t keep draining them, they must get tired of me after a little while

I feel so horrible when I think “god this person talks so much about themselves I have literally no way to talk” or “god they ****ing talk so much” I feel so selfish when I want to do something other than what they want to do I know it’s just a response to being afraid of abandonment Losing friends is apart of life though I’m scared to be alone But all I can do is hate everyone around me Aside from them of course I literally can’t even stand to be on a call with anyone anymore because I’m thinking “K is it my turn or are you gonna keep goin”

I don’t know If I’m the problem or if it’s just the way things are now I mean like,,everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be seen. So everyone is fighting for everyone’s attention. “Hey look at me look at what I finished!” I haven’t got anything done in over a week…almost two. I can’t stop comparing because it’s all I see I see someone’s results. I look at my own. And I see a big contrast. Am I not working hard enough? Feeling the need to die every single day, grasping on to the tiny bit of attention I get from those people I admire. The idea of trying one more time to keep going just go get it over with. What am I supposed to do after? I don’t know what taxes are, I never learned to drive a car, I don’t know what the hell a w40 is..all of the things I need to know I just don’t I’m 18 in a year And I so desperately need to move out I need. To get away. And all I’m focused on right now is. Why wont they look at me like they look at everyone else.

I can tell myself “I’ll get through this!” As many times as I like but at the end of the day it won’t stick. Nothing STICKS. When your ENTIRE LIFE. is on the GODDAMN INTERNET. because you don’t have a life outside it. Monday through Sunday I’m sleeping, eating, drawing. drawing. Drawing. On call for a good 6 hours. With the same people. Nothing changes. Complaining that I’m not getting what I need and sitting there because NOTHING HAPPENS WHEN I COMPLAIN. I’ll try to do this and that for you more so sorry!!! Prove it! Prove I’m worth your time. Please. I can’t just depend on one person my entire life. Not when I’m like this. Not when all I’m asking for is a few minutes of your time. Yes yes obviously I want more but it’s too much to ****ing ask. Everyone I know has a billion damn friends and I’ve literally been talking to only one person on discord for MONTHS. because they’re all I know. And I’m starting to lose my patience. Everything I once found endearing I goddamn HATE now.

I want to know how long my body would be rotting in my room for Obviously not for long My dogs would want to come into my room and that’s when they’d notice But not because they wanted to check on me Because my dogs wanted in. They don’t ever just No one every just Really Am I crazy? Am I crazy to think that I’m just too boring and repetitive? The moment I stop acting like a walking ****ing DOOR MAT. I’m “mean” and “hard to be around” You know what I think when you want me to do something for the millionth damn time because it’s all I’m good at “oh whatever you say I’ll do anything!!” Because I’m a little ****ing ***** and I won’t tell you. I think. You’re selfish. I’m constantly at odds with myself thinking I’m actually a horrible person! I just want everyone to look at me! YES. LOOK AT ME. FOR FIVE. ****ING. MINUTES. ASK ME HOW MY DAY WAS. TELL ME ABOUT YOURS. FIVE. ****ING. MINUTES. PLEASE. I’m worth so much more than one message every month I’m worth so much more than “cool” “nice”

If you really want to be here for me. Then be here for me. I don’t feel like I take that much energy. I hope not. Everytime I look around my room I’m hoping I can gain the courage to end it all. I won’t become a productive part of this society. I know I won’t I don’t want to live a life where I’m barely scraping by, holding the attention of one person for a whole second while their lives are full of it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it Please look at me please praise me too please I’m doing so well I know I am I’m taking care of myself I haven’t made my room dirty in over a year I take showers on a good schedule I brush my teeth daily I eat at least a whole meal every day I take care of myself now I take care of myself so why do I still feel horrible

I’m worth your time. Just please. Let me. Show you. I’m sorry. I’m boring. I’m sorry I’m repetitive. I’m sorry my interests don’t lie very deep. I’m so stuck right now I can’t even move without sinking deeper and deeper I just want you to look at me like I’m someone worthy of your time Please please just give me what I want Everything I do is so Am I really not worth it I should’ve died I shouldn’t have called anyone I should’ve just shoved more pills down my throat Now I can barely do the one thing I’m good at because of the damage. My hands shake so much now when I stare at a blank canvas. My mind just ****img blanks out I’m so repulsive The same character The same face Every single day Drawn the same every single time No wonder they’re bored Even I’m bored I’m ready to move on but I’m also not I can’t even draw as fast as everyone else From day one I couldn’t fit in I was always falling behind and now I’ve fallen so behind that I can’t ever catch up

"All you do is complain" Wanna swap places? Let's swap places. Now. Come live as a bi polar transgender male in a homophobic trump supporting house in one of the many hearts of the ****ing year haw state where your own mother is a therapist and refuses to get you help or take you to a hospital when you're puking your guts out after trying to kill yourself Come live your ENTIRE life on a website where the people couldn't give two shits if you live or die! Come find your comfort in only one person who you can barely talk to because they're always busy. Come be surrounded by people who only talk about themselves constantly constantly won't stop talking talking talking talking and Come. Try. Really try. To say something about it. Because you'll always be met with. "That's just how I do things" and someone immediately going on mute. And then YOU. feel like SHIT. you. Feel like a horrible person. Because YOU. we're annoyed.

You wanna talk about the constant use of your body? Nightmares!! Every night!! Come try that out yourself. Come live in constant fear of the people around you because your own BROTHER. betrayed that trust. Because your moms boyfriend. Because your own first boyfriend. Because those people. Saw you. And said. Wow. Perfect target. And now just holding hands with someone is DISGUSTING

It's me who's the selfish one though right Because what I have to say about a situation doesn't matter Because i can't even VENT on Mt own page without someone getting upset Because I can't even set a status on discord without someone with insecurities beyond belief asking "erm is that targeted at me!?!?" It's your guilty conscience maybe. If you can recognize your own fault and feel like you have SOMETHING to do with my horrible mood. You probably do. But I can't tell you. Because it'll hurt your feelings :(((( The moment I let ****ing loose IM a PROBLEM. I can't even express BOUNDIES. without getting IGNORED. all I can feel it's frustration now when I'm talking about it

I can beg all I want Until my throat is raw and sore I can write this out all I want Until I have no more words But nothing but I goddamn miracle can save me from this hell The funny thing is I don't even ask for much! Just a genuinely engaged conversation. If you want to play a game with me after? Sounds fun let's do it! If you want to draw with me after? Yeah I can try! You want to roleplay after? Even better I love those! But I'm begging for someone to look at me like I'm worth something more than just "hey. Let's do this." That's something I'll do when I'm pissed off lmao

I can either keep subjecting myself to the constant needs of others when mine aren't met and just. Cope. Or I can say something and risk it all. I can say something and lose all my friends or I can say something and it gets boring I can say something and nothing will change. I'm not worth it You just want someone you can use to cure your boredom. Be honest with yourself. I'm just a conveince to you. I know this because I get "damn" and "that sucks" when I complain about something and you get "aww can I do anything for you?" I can't even give you 100% anymore because I'm so sick of it

I feel like the kid being left out on the playground just because I can't keep up

I could just be completely delusional though It could 100000% be my fault!!!! But that's just how I feel

I'm tired I really want a Margarita Pizza from romas