at least I don't think i feel emotions the same as other people or react the same, some time ago one of my relatives died, i didn't feel like crying or anything similar i just stared at there body in the casket

and I knew them, they even cared for me for a time with some other relatives, and i just stared at there corpse not feeling anything but guilt that i didnt feel anything and even that wasnt bad i got over it just a couple of hours later

and thats just one of the things i think from time to time, and im such a hypocrite I've been terrified of death for as long as i can remember and i dont know what they are but ive had these panics attacks i think, but they just last for seconds and i feel like throwing up air, when i was around 5 i remember crying to someone about they are all going to die including me and i cant do anything about

but, i feel lucky, i feel lucky thats its one of my biggest fears, because compared to other people i've hit the lottery, having a life that is worth living for, i just dont feel as connected to my own self

that you for your kind words