I'm so tired. I'm tired of always pretending to be happy and fine for my family to keep the peace. I'm tired of trying to be fine for my friends because every time I'm not then it just makes everything worse. I'm tired of trying when it's all for nothing. Hours of effort, sitting and talking, trying to be nice, trying to participate, trying to act like I belong, but anytime it's more than what words I can force from my throat, it's met with silence. He says shit because he feels obligated to. How stupid was I thinking I could actually matter when there's all those talented artists? They obviously all hate it. I can't blame them, my art is nothing next to theirs, I don't really draw furries, I don't do all their fancy stuff. Maybe it would just be better for me to just go. I haven't done anything to benefit anyone there, I doubt any of them would even notice that I'm gone. Maybe it would hurt him less if I just never existed in the first place.

I'm going to strangle this ****ing moron I swear to god I'm so ****ing mad. 'Oh you're bored? Feel yeah bro' How about I just ****ing kill you oh my ****ing god. BORED??? Bored is the least of my problems. God forbid I try to bring up anything serious. No, just go oooh you're bored? No you ****ing sphagnum moss head filled, no wit, boiled chicken personality, trying is too hard mother ****er. I'm in agony. I am constantly exhausted from my never ending anxiety, I am angry at the world for all the bullshit in it, I am miserable from being stuck on my own when there are several right there who just don't care, if you weren't constantly available and I hadn't have wasted so much of my life caring about you then you would've been cut out of my life so long ago. You piss me off so much holy **** you make me so mad.

The quiet is killing me. I can't find anything to loud enough to drown my own thoughts. It's all hollow nothing or just makes it worse. Every second is filled with crushing anxiety and every action is being picked apart and replayed over a million times, every time it just gets worse. It seems okay once I first send it, then by the time I've run it 5 times, I'm ready to delete everything, disappear and never return. I'm so tired. I'm tired of being nauseous, I'm tired of feeling like shit, I'm tired of looking towards all the same old shit. I've even debated things I haven't even thought about since 2020. I was so close to asking my dad today about his cookies. I just want something to make it stop. Voices are hollow, people are plastic, and I'm rotting in a corner as always. My little sibling has been brushing their teeth and has been doing some level of cleaning around the house every day this week and I'm barely able to get out of bed and make dinner. It just makes me feel even more pathetic.

Today someone gave away one of my designs, sure it was to him, probably the best outcome in that situation, but god it makes me feel like shit. They weren't even that close in design, a darker grey upper body, blue eyes, brown tail. One was covered in pale yellow markings, one was covered in scars, had the end of its tail cut off, had two of its arms ripped off, and the horn placements were different the underside of the tail was even different colors. I really like that person's art too, was the only person I was actually excited about getting one of my designs and they give it away because it's 'too similar'. What is so bad about my art? Is it the lineart? Is it because I don't use 50000 tools? Is it because I focus too much on color? Is it because I am just an awful artist? Does everyone just see how desperate I am to get any amount of attention and just ignore me to spite me? Does anyone really want me for anything other than convenience or what I can provide? My art is shit, maybe I should just leave.

I finally made one design, ONE DESIGN I was genuinely happy with. I didn't need other people validating it to find it mediocre, I really like it and it is a furry design which I suck at. I was so happy with how it turned out, I thought it was so beautiful, I thought it was cool and interesting, but no one cares. Not even one favorite. I'm constantly taking it down and relisting it, I've spent hours of just watching videos and resetting the listing, but nothing. Not one favorite. Not one compliment. Several people have looked over it, but nothing. No reaction. I was so proud, I was so excited to show everyone else, but no one else gives a shit. I've so badly wanted to cry so many times today, every time I look back and find a notification, just more artists all getting love and attention for more pieces they've made while I'm sat, waiting, just hoping someone else will care about the one piece I really love. Finally typing this out has finally got me crying, but it doesn't make me feel any better. Is this what

I deserve for trying to feel happy? Is this what I deserve for trying to make friends? Is this what I deserve for actually taking pride in something? Is this what I deserve for actually trying to do something other than rot? Hundreds of messages being sent between them, begging for each other's characters, offering their own, offering art, paying actual money, but I can't even get a compliment, not a favorite from a stranger, nothing. Is it really that bad? I thought it looked good, I thought they turned out so nice, but everyone else treats it like it doesn't exist. I've had no desire to cook at all the past several days. I've been eating less, but I've been drinking more sodas and eating more candy than usual. I feel like shit. I can't keep rotting, but I hate being ignored like this. My art is worth attention, same as theirs. They will pay attention to me if it's the last thing I ****ing do. I'm not going to keep being ignored. Even if they hate me, I will find a way to get them to like something.

I'm so ****ing tired. I feel like complete shit. I was so excited about my new campaign and I was so happy with my designs. I just wanted to show them, but of course they broke the rules all for something they didn't even ****ing make. Oh you're sooo sorry, like I ****ing believe it. Wow that's such a cool idea! Uh huh, sure. You wouldn't've said shit if he didn't call out your ass. Every time I am actually excited about anything, they all ignore it. No one ****ing cares. I am trying, I am really trying. I'm trying harder than I should really. I just want to have friends. I want to be the reason why someone is excited, I want to be put in someone's status because they care about me so much, I want people to get excited over anything I post. They could put the most ass drawing you ever saw in there and someone would still praise it like it was something they spent 15 hours on. I can understand the wider platform, I'm new, people just genuinely don't see or find things they see as more interesting, but this is

a server man. I know they see my shit. I put so much time and effort into my work, I spend so much time on little details because they do matter, but absolutely no one there gives a single shit about it. I'm so close to leaving. I really am. I hate so many of them. The chatty ones don't give a shit about anyone outside of their inner circle and are so ****ing inconsiderate and I don't even know why anyone else is there. They don't do anything. They might advertise some adopts and that's it. I'm sitting in on the calls, I put in art, I try to participate in conversations, but it's never enough. I will never be enough. Maybe I was always meant to stay in my corner with him.

The world is closing in on me and there is nothing I can do. I am so tired. I want to be enough, I want to have the motivation to be like everyone else I want to be able to make friends and not be so ****ing terrified all the time, but I'm always scared, always stressed, always worried about someone or something and every moment of silence just makes it louder and louder until it's all I hear no matter what I do or put on. It's all consuming and no one even cares. It just makes me a bother any time I bring it up. The visual hallucinations have been getting too regular again and the touch based ones have been more regular than they've been in years and I'm worried. I keep wondering if I should just go back to them and say it was a mistake, that I'll just keep putting up with it until I can make new friends because I can't keep living like this. At least before I wasn't in a constant downward spiral, sure it was a slow descent, but it wasn't so frequent and intense. I am really just a door mat aren't I? Anyone

reading any of this probably thinks I'm just being a baby and need to grow up and I tried so hard to be as a kid, but my parents always hated it and everyone else either looked to me to save them from their problems and leave or ignore me. I'm so tired. I wish it wasn't so hard to find people who won't use me or ignore me. I wish it wasn't so hard to be loved. I wish every comment anyone makes about me wasn't held so close and used as another reason for me to hate myself more than I already do. Every flaw and mistake just becomes another reason for me to kill myself already, every time I get ignored is just another attempt to reach out that no one wanted and no one cared about. Maybe it would be better for me to just die. Then I won't waste any more of my parent's money, then I won't ever have to bother him, then I won't always feel these constant weights, but I'm too tired. I don't even want to play anything. I've tried and it has just felt like a chore. Drawing is too much and the only thing that brings me

any relief or joy is not what he wants to do. It will probably end up forgotten and rot away like the rest and Silver and Dead Grass will stay in the void with the rest of my babies for the rest of time. I hate how no one wants any of my characters unless they are free. The only person to offer anything was one person offering a character trade, all of which were characters which seemed to be all free designs they snatched up to offer for more interesting characters. Are my babies really not worth anything? He doesn't want to even draw something simple for any of them and just waits for me to give up. At least I know they'll get some use with them. It just feels stupid and hopeless to keep trying when they're all just getting tossed away to the piranhas or reluctantly handed over to him. I have spent so much time on my babies after I joined the server, I've spent more time cleaning them up and making them look better and trying to make my designs cool and appealing, but it doesn't matter.I guess Ill just rot

I ****ing hate my birthday. I have always hated them. For some reason or another, it always ends with me being miserable and exhausted. Some years I had hope it would be better, but it all ends the same. I have cried three times today, almost had a full break down today, and have had entirely too much sugar to try to make myself feel any kind of better, but it hasn't. So I'm just a fat, miserable, lazy slob who is never good enough for anyone or anything. It's how it ends every birthday, just another to add to the pile. I'll make sure not to get my hopes up next year.

I am being pulled apart by a million hands and I want to cry, but I don't have the energy. I've only distinctly wanted to really hurt myself like this twice, but of course I can't do anything and I won't. I keep downing sugar trying to fix it because nothing is helping and I just feel miserable. I've done some drawing, looked up some art, looking at the art helped me feel at least a little better, but the second I stop focusing on it, I just feel worse. I want someone to rip me apart, I want it to be slow and painful. Maybe then I would feel a little less trapped, maybe then it would help make the outside match the inside. I don't want to do anything anymore and I can't sleep and no one wants to be around me. I can't blame them.

Man, it's really funny what a little change can do for you. I have been feeling so much better recently, even started walking again and I've been putting at least a little more effort into myself. I have been managing my anxiety soooo much better than I have in years, the doom and hopelessness and overwhelming anxiety have been mostly very manageable! I started looking into stuff for my favorite comfort character and found such a fun fanfic! I've been absolutely losing my mind over it and reading and rereading and interacting with the fan base for it has really dragged me out of my rotting corner. I've been laughing and smiling and honestly so much happier. I've decided I'm gonna keep indulging in what brings me joy and not feel weird because some people think fanfics are cringe. I am free and I am so joyous! I haven't felt so level in I don't even know how long. I've even done fanart! I don't do fanart! It hasn't fixed me, but it is enough to bring me peace and comfort for now and that's enough for me.