Hurting myself is like my only way of coping. Dont take this as a "heh guess i deserve it" type thing but i feel like i deserve to be in pain and i need to be punished for my actions more even if its a small mistake

My parents care about me but they dont understand tjat my phone is my important to me, i have so many important people in my life that i would never be able to talk to because i moved away and because some are online friends. Ive begged my parents not to take my phone many many times, they usually dont listen. They take it when i dont listen which i understand but for me its so hard to just get out of bed sometimes i feel so hopeless. My parents don't hate me and im sure they care but they dont really understand despite my step father having depression as well. Speaking of him he constantly makes jokes about me cutting myself (even tho he thinks i dont cut) and theyre really not great.

My mom thinks im lazy even tho she words it differently, despite her being a special ed teacher. My step dad has a lot of the same issues as me but i dont wsnt to discuss them with him. My real dad doesnt think i hsve mental illness because he thinks im "a happy kid" or whatever even tho when i was 10.or 11 he told me his friend conmitted suicide. He is drunk a lot and that scares me. My step mom makes me feel like a failure all the time and when i think shes being nice she turns everything around and blames me and calls me selfish (my dad does this too.)

Trying to talk to the doctor resulted in nothing but a bad outcome. Like tf u want me to go to bed at 8:30 im not 7 years old, woman. My school doesnt give a shit about me and like my last school refuses to give me an iep because they dont want to waste time on me.

I failed at least a class every single quarter this year. Last quarter i failed 3 classes. This quarter if i pass i will be able to get into the musical next year but they wont help me. Infact, in middle school my 8th grade math teacher literally faked one of my grades up to a 60 just so he wouldnt have to help me and waste his time.

Today i was actually so overstimulated i was shaking and so close to crying because i got sp overwhelmed by rhe girls in my class asking me for amswers in spanish. In drama workshop i really wasnt doing well and i was on stage for 20 minutes and just felt miserable. After acting.for a bit i felt better but almost everytime i enter this class i am too overstimulated and overhwpemed but i judt have to do it or else i get kciked off my role.

Life has gotten so much worse since last august and i have no idea why. I have been incredibly stressed trying to be perfect and trying to get people to like me. I never feel valid around anybody snd i feel like everyone hates me i genuinely dont trust anyone.

I dont know if my life got worse because of that stupid murder drones episode, or if it got worse because of my dad, i hsve no idea. Maybe trying to be perfect for my relstionship really ****ed me up. Im reslly really trying i promise. I just want to be a good person but i feel like even tje people closest to me have a burning hatred for me, no matter how much they promise they dont.

Ive been bottling up so many emotions because i dont want to annoy or dissappint people or make them angry with me. When i try to take things seriously people make fun of me. When i joke around people call me insensitive. No matter what I do nobody is satisfied with my efforts.

"Not everyone is going to like you, you need to realize that" I KNOW. but i still have to try. I have to. I have such a desire to be perfect its killing me slowly and trying to make everyone happy besides myself makes me feel like i am dead.

Nobody takes me seriously because im some retarded "angsty" kid that is easy to poke fun at. It really really hurts when nobody can hear you. I tried giving up. Many many times. I literally tried to overdose last year and i almosy did it again. The pills i overdosed on were my anti depressants and i took three of them. They are all at the max amount. 120 grams did not kill me.

You know youre a damn failure when you fail at attemptijg.

I dont want people to care about me. I dont. They are wasting their time and i firmly believe that. I truly do not matter and i dont know how many times i must say that for people to understand.

Yet here i am, alive, but definitely not well. I dont think i have been truly happy for a damn long time. And that really sucks. People spend so much time and effort just to make me happy and i dont feel anything but regret for them.

You need to stop trying. Please just focus on yourself. There are billions of people in this world and i am one of them but i am so ****ed up and i dont know why because everythint is my fault and im the bad person and my emotioks are not okay and i should be ashamed in myself more because im a spoiled brat

Im not gonna kms or anything im just so dead already i feel like a walking corpse dude

One time my mom asked me "what happen to you? You used to care so much" i have never forgotten that. What did happen to me? I dont know. My dad doesnt hit me or my siblings (i think) anymore. He screams a lot still i think but i havent seen him in months. My dad really really hurt me as a person even though it wasnt that horrible. He would call me a horrible daughter or a murderer or a psycopath a lot but he only physically hurt me when i was a kid. And its not like i tried to cause trouble. Everything i did was to make him happy and when he screamed at me because i made a mistake it made me feel like nothing I would do would be good enough

So i would try harder and harder and harder and i would never ask questions i wohld just do it. Get him a beer from the fridge? Sure. Look after my baby sisters when i was still 8 or 9? Sure. Dont wuestion why we never ate lunch even though i was so hungry? Always. Never ever speak up about anything. If he told me to something i would ****ing do everything in my power to do it.

No questions. Not arguments. Unless you wanna get screamed at and pushed back to square one, you better try your damn best and DO your damn best. If you **** it up youre a failure.

Forgot to turn off the lightswitch? Get screamed at. Forgot to pick up my little toys? Get called a murderer bevause my baby sisters couldve choked on them. Eat a certain way? Get called a rodent. Trying to play outside? You have to watch your sisters. Literally one time my dad had a pistol on the table and i dont even know why. I walked in the room and saw it. Obviously he was drinking a beer too but he didnt do anything harmful.

Every little damn thing will cost you. So you better not **** it up. Dont be stupid. Dont be a child, even if you are 7. You must help st all times. Put your happiest behind everyone elses. Everyone else matters more than you.

Dont mess this shit up again. You cant. Unless you want to feel like a total failure and get screamed at right in your face smelling your dads beer breath and hearing him guilt trip you.

Can i play video games? No. Ask if you can help your step mother with the dishes. Can i draw? You better not get eraser all over the table. Can i play legos? No. Help the family.

I never asked to be born into this family. I never wanted this life. I never wanted to dread waking up. I never wanted to hate myself with such intensity i cant breathe. I never wanted to hurt myself to make myself feel ok. I never wanted to get hurt. I never asked to be neurodivergent. I never asked for people to make fun of me because of that. I never wanted to think all these thoughts.

I never asked to be used. I never asked to choose sides and lose people i cared about. I never chose to cry so much. I never chose to have this life.

I never wanted to be up at 2:30 in the morning writing my sobstories on flipanim.

I wish i had died at birth like i was meant to. I almost did. I wish i did. I wish i never existed. Why does everyday have to be a living hell while i try to make everyone happy. Why does no one listen to what i have to say. Why do i brainwash myself. Why

I dont like to be a baby but life is so ****ing hard for me and i feel like im dead already at the age of 15.

I blame myself for everything and everythinf is my fault. I am mever good enough. I wish i was happy. I wish people liked me. I wish i wasnt annoying.

I have therapu tomorrow. Screw that bullshit. I dont want to go

Why does everytjing come crashing down when i think it gets better?

Thank you, ill be ok