Mass Vent Post
29 comments
abcdceese[OP]
26.03.2020 03:20
LinkThese are PUBLIC vents, for anyone to see. So can NOT be about a certain someone.
I'll slightly divide sections.
Don't comment on my chain but feel free to make your own comments. This is public for a reason, I'm willing to talk to people about these things.
Mommy issues;
She's generally a really good parent I think? But that means when things are just a little bad they can seem worse than they are.
Like last night I was sitting in bed having little flashbacks to last year when she took me to the park against my will and got angry when I wouldn't get out of the car,, and then called be abusive and got ice cream without me. Then took only me, no siblings, with her and dad to dinner. I legit thought they were planning to kill me and hide my body.
Anyway I say this because things are getting tense, she said she's going for a car ride because she needs to get away from people. If you hate spending time around your family so much why did you birth 4 children? She yells a lot, especially at my dad.
Hehe it makes me nervous.
Also it's 10 so I'm gonna go to bed soon.
Third one gets control, if stressed enough it leads to self harm. So far only in the form of cutting my arm with scissors or a pencil. Yes, you can use a pencil to self harm, no, I'm not gonna show pictures of the scars. It's happened around 3 times. There's an anim on the Piasma account that goes into it in more detail.
This is something I've never talked about, at least not directly. I think it's been going on (noticeably) for about 8-9 months.
I haven't mentioned it directly, or my thoughts on it, because basically I think it's crazy and stupid. I'm pretty much denying the way it feels.
idk how to explain this without it sounding stupid
So for several months, most extremely in the past 6 months, I've had like,, weird moments of dissociation? Sometimes it'll last for a longer time, like a whole day, sometimes just a while. I'm not sure dissociation is the right word, but I use it because it's like I'm not myself anymore. I just sort of shift into a different mindset. I'll go from being sad to sly and angry in a couple minutes, or happy to suicidal.
It's often triggered by some sort of stressor but not always.
Now, I labeled this section with "the voices", that's because there are three distinct separate mindsets from the usual.
It's kinda like each is their own person (this sounds dumb ik that's why I never talk about it I hate myself okay I'll continue). One is the loudest by far. It yells at me when I can't speak and mostly insults me. Although it seems to hate my guts, it tries to protect me from outside forces. It gets extremely defensive and is triggered almost every time I see or interact with a specific person.
I think that was the first one to become noticable. I'm not sure about the order of the other two. I'll just have a comment for each.
The next one is probably the least noticeable, it's rarely "active". It used to be one of the dominants but the other two took over.
This one is pretty chill but is triggered by stressful situations including my mom. Sometimes it's very affectionate, it's rarely sad or upset and doesn't seem to hate me like the first one.
One of the reasons I decided to talk about this whole thing is because my mom has been increasingly agitating and yelling a lot, so this one has sort of been stirred out of hibernation.
This last one isn't as cruel at the first, but might be the most dangerous and concerning of all of this. And it's a reason I feel compelled to speak out about it. Around 5 months ago it became very active along with the first. It's unpredictable, but is almost always in a state of anxious panic or depression. If I'm in a stressful situation it's easy for it to take over. I go more into depth in the "Self Harm" section.
I don't know what to call this, I don't know what it is, but I think it's time I talk about it and admit it's a real thing. I don't think denying it any longer will help.
I have mentioned it indirectly before and uh.
Cringe but the first is manifested as Dazz, second Cyrus, third Piasma.
There are 2 accounts considered "vent accounts" I've let things loose on
https://flipanim.com/profile?name=DazzThrissur
https://flipanim.com/profile?name=PIasma
Do what you will with this information, I'm just really done hiding it and keeping it all balled up inside.
Okay so I figure now we´ll discuss actual ẗriggers¨, because some of us will become very active in certain situations.
Dazz get´s easily triggered when referred to as ¨fat¨, even when it´s a joke. Not so fun fact, she deals with slight anorexia and basically just always feels bad after eating, and often avoids food if she isn´t starving. Other Dazz stuff includes: Getting dysphoric especially when misgendered, certain songs trigger her, and a specific person who honestly probably is the cause of her being real in the first place?
With Piasma he actually gets triggered positively when it rains, he loves the rain. Which means everyone kind of relaxes when it rains. Although he is very sensitive with the subject of self harm and suicide! ****ing trigger warn that shit! DO IT! I don´t care if youŕe upset if you don´t censor that in some way it´s just panic attacks and self harm for us!
And Cyrus is usually pretty calm and reserved, he´s really only triggered by our mom. Like when she yells or is arguing with our dad he gets extremely tense. Which sucks because we´re moving soon and my mom gets stressed well packing so she yells a lot and everytime she does itś real stressful.
i never thought about you relating to “the voices” in those other posts youve made before so sorry if i offended you in any way
i just thought you were maybe messing around but i never knew im sorry!! !
im not too sure how to help you with the voices
but, i have a similar(?) problem when it comes to the mom issues,
my mom gets me things (like treats),, but then she also treats me really unfairly and poorly when my brother gets involved
i dont want to sound selfish but the only time im the center of attention is when im getting yelled at about something
half the time i get yelled at is because my brother is annoying me.
the past weeks hes been scratching, biting and kicking me and this sound stupid but
im sometimes afriad to be alone in a room with my 5 year old brother
if i try to defend myself from him (like pushing him away), he gets all snotty and goes to tell my mom about me pushing him, leaving out what he did to me.
hes made me bleed before but,, sorry i got a bit off topic
its
m it's okay, those times I mentioned Dazz calling me fat and stuff it was kinda nice having someone acknowledge it
It's unfortunate your mom would pick favorites like that. Hopefully things will get better when you and your brother are older. Maybe she won't be as clingy or protective of him.
Hh, I dont really know how to respond to this? Like, it seems your going through much, I hope you dont mind if you share your burden? We can always talk about this when you feel comfortable with saying so.
I'm sorry you have to go through all of this bb
My dreams are taking over my body, it’s like I can’t even control my feelings anymore, my family has to travel way to much, I hate my body, most people dislike me, knowing I’m depressed makes me more depressed, my teachers disrespecting my feelings but that’s in the past I just never let go of grudges, I hate humanity, people are entitled (not everyone), I’m gaining way to much weight, I feel like my head is two people and I can’t think right, I am getting sleep paralysis way to often, my family is broken, my therapist doesn’t listen, I am silenced, covid-19 is making everyone panic and more people get hurt, my father makes me feel guilty I’m hearing voices in my head, I am drawing horrible art, and my family makes me feel like I’m not good enough to even though I know they love me I just feel as I cannot do anything right, I am a clutz, I’m failing school, thank you for letting me vent as I still feel the same I just absorb bad feelings and I am pessimistic .
I know I am stronger than my feelings but I cannot help but think of me as a crybaby and stupid and dumb, I do not eat breakfast or lunch and I know it’s unhealthy, my family silences me so I cannot share my feelings, I just don’t like my life, I’m unhealthy and I know it, people have ruined my life and my choices to become a better person for example school and online classes, teachers will verbally hurt my feeling during my classes.