My eye sockets are like the void

Please end my suffering I want to sleep but, I guess that illegal now.

It's 3 in the morning and I am eating ramen I am not even hungry I am just eating it because I can't sleep. Normally I would at least hesite to eat ramen because I would get flashbacks to one time when I cooked ramen so bad that it hurt to both look at and eat because I was to tired to make it right, please kill me

I am at the point that I have removed any care for myself from my body and anything that my mind thinks of despite how horrible it might be I am all in for doing.

There are so many things I want to write and do now and the only thing holding me back is what you would think of them and how you would feel. I normally wouldn't say that despite it being a lot of my choices in life but I don't even care right now I just want to be alive but, also the little part of me which is still left really wants to add in a part saying that i'm ok tho but I am very much not.

Are you even here anymore reading this? I don't even know and if you are here then hi I guess but if you are not here then I am just talking to no one and you are gonna see a lot of comments of me talking to no one and you are most likely going to be very concerned for my well being and that would kinda suck for me to have to explain later or even now in fact

Should I just delete these, maybe I should delete these but I guess that would be even worse for me to have to explain so you know what I am not gonna do that maybe I will change my mind later but for now nope. I didn't even have to write that but I already typed it so am I untpying it? no

I am so unhinged right now, this is probably the worst mistake I have made in my life but whatever because if something bad comes from this welp I guess I will just have to li- ... yeah

You know what I am just gonna go now I might check back in on this later and depending on what you say, if anything in fact I will probably cry at any and all responce you do or do not say. Ok I feel really ****ing bad for you right now I really want to delete this but if you have already seen it then I am screwed. I don't want to have you deal with all my shit oh jeez. I feel like me saying this with make it worse I am such a bad person why.

Yeah 2 works in fact any time works because even if the that time didn't work I would make it work. I am crying right now wow. I am so sorry I had to say things like that I just need to get everything off my chest, well not everything but yeah that was quite a bit of it. I feel so bad because you have your own problems to and I just dont want to add mine to your because I know that you can't do that and that would be overwelming and I really dont want to hurt you or drive you away because I just didn't feel things before you came into my life. It was so bad and I don't think I would have last much longer. I just want to thank you so much for just being here and being alive all the time but I can't show you anything because I just can't be there with you all the time and I so badly want to. I have breakdowns just thinking of what I would have don to myself and I know I am rambling I am so sorry I will just stop now

Wow it took me like 8 minutes in type that

Thank you so much. just thank you i'm gonna try my hardest to get some sleep real soon... I um nvm I can't really do that I guess I am just staying a wake til 2 and then however long the talk takes. Um anyways gn for you and only you I guess.

Well here the thing I have been sleeping way to much during the day and I wanted to try getting back to normal tonight but you know I am still awake and I know that if I fall asleep now I am gonna number 1 sleep though the day again and number 2 not be able to get on the zoom call with you so if I try my hardest to not sleep until the end of the call I can get back to normal