I wish I could believe that I was scared of dying and not scared of the pain that comes with it, because that’s the only reason I’m hesitant is because of how painful it is I wish I could believe it when I say that I want to stay here and grow up I wish I could believe it when I say it hurts to cut myself I wish I could believe that this would all go away eventually But I’m not patient enough, I’m not mature enough, I’m not sensible responsible or talented I can tell myself I believe I am but I’m not

Instead im killing myself And it’s coming up so fast but also so slow

I’m scared of when that day comes I’m telling people because I want to be saved But I know they won’t Even if they do It’ll all come back again

I thought I was getting better

The first time I attempted suicide I cut myself down for two reasons It hurt and I still had hope that maybe something will change it When I left my room I went to my moms room, said hi and she ignored me and I left to go to my sisters sisters room, I was in a cheerful mood and she asked me what happened to my neck and I told her what I did. I don’t remember what she said but it sounded so nonchalant that I didn’t even care to listen completely Then I went back to my room and cried I cried because the reason I was attempting suicide didn’t even notice the marks on my neck and I cried because I felt like my sister didn’t even care I know she cares now Everyone in my family has a horrible shitty way of showing it but I know theyd at least be upset if I died They wouldn’t crumple on the floor and stay in their rooms for months They’d carry on with the smallest grief They’d probably leave my room alone for a bit but no longer than a couple months And then maybe put my stuff in storage

My teachers I feel would probably be the most effected Isn’t that sad? My mom would silently let the school know what had happened to unenroll me and then the school would tell my teachers once I’d been taken out of their class I’ve had few adults in my life who have genuinely cared for me and no matter what circumstances they showed me compassion told me how much they cared Mr Tamburrino, Mr howell, Mrs Molina and Mrs Saminago I’ve only met Mrs Molina in the past few weeks, but she’s shown genuine empathy towards my situation and is very accepting of me Mrs Saminago has been having things going on in her life but she still makes time for her students, she showed genuine interest in my life and how things were going when I was in her class last year Mr Howell is someone super laid back, he’s caring though, and likes to hear about how things are going for me at home Mr Tamburrino has been the biggest impact in my life so far, because no matter if he’s angry upset or stressed he makes it clear

It’s not my fault and that I haven’t done anything wrong, even when he’s upset he’s willing to hear what I’m stressed about and he gives me reassurance that everything will be okay and I can always come to him when I need help I wish I had someone like that at home He’d make a perfect father and I’m not gonna lie I’m envious of his kids Someone like that deserves the world And I’m sorry for what I’m gonna do to every single one of them But I respect them so much I’m so happy they genuinely tried with me when my own mother gave up on me after a few months

I am cutting myself for attention I am saying those things fir attention That doesn't mean they aren't true That doesn't mean I don't want to die That doesn't mean I don't feel the ache and emptiness in my chest when I cry It means I want someone to pull me out of this hell It means I want my mother to look at me and apologize It means I want the world to look at me again and accept me It means I want this all to end happily I want someone To stop And see I'm hurting