I'm not the kind of person you think I am irl. No, I don't mean I'm a jerk or a terrible person or anything. I just act different. This might be unorganized and a bit of a ramble but I felt like this was something I wanted to share.

First of all, I wanted to explain the people around me. Don't get me wrong. I am very loved and the people in my community are not particularly bad. But I'm still bullied and mistreated on a daily basis by my peers. I'm made fun of for my disposition, body, and my art. Because of this, I'm very guarded towards people and tend to either shy away or ignore them altogether. One of my friends (who is also my ex and first partner,) manipulated and lied to me and still does. She pretended she liked me, flirted with me, and more than willingly dated me for multiple months. Then she abruptly broke up with me and tried to tell my friends I never liked her and that I used her, calling me a slur and many other offensive things. She "apologized" (she only said she was "sorry for whatever she did") and me being naïve and loyal, forgave her. Ever since then, we've been working as lab partners in Science. I almost always do all the work, while she tries to spread drama and rumors to me about my own friends. -

And of course, she always gets to take credit for my work. It was even worse during the school play. She would do nothing but gossip and ramble to me about how much she liked certain boys and would always get disinterested when I tried to talk about my interests and problems. She introduced me as a furry to other cast members, and called my emotional breakdowns "overreactions," not even trying to understand how I was feeling or even show some sort of empathy. If you thought that was the end of it, nope. I'll continue in the next comment.

During the rehearsals, she would randomly leave me and flirt with another girl though she stated multiple times before that she did not like girls. She didn't even try to hide it, either. She gave me continuous updates on their relationship. I honestly feel bad for that other girl. She was being used and she didn't even know it. And I think she might have been targeted because someone close to her had just either died or was admitted to the hospital, leaving her vulnerable and in need of comfort. God, I wish I'd warned her. Sadly, me and previously mentioned girl were not her only victims. She also dated one of my friends. I practically saw the whole thing play out before my eyes. They were both happy at first, until my friend was suddenly dumped, and was accused of being "manipulative" (manipulator's words exactly.) No one really believed her, but that didn't stop her from relentlessly trying to convince me that my close friend emotionally abused her. I endured her lies for as long as I could before I just-

snapped. I'd warned her before to stop talking about other people. I completely stopped interacting with her for 3 days straight until she finally became so desperate for attention that she apologized and stopped talking about people. There's so much more I could say about her, but for the sake of time and stuff, I'll move on to other stuff.

I want to rant for just a little bit about my body. I won't get into anything that makes me too uncomfortable, but there is some stuff I wanna share. Instead of doing one big paragraph, I'll try to split these up into a list. Firstly, my posture. I have pretty bad posture from writing and drawing for so much of my life. Between my mom constantly yelling at me to fix my posture and being mocked by people, conversations or mentions of posture make me really self conscious. However, this doesn't mean it's a blacklisted word for me; I'm still okay with it being used and mentioned, especially online where people can't even single me out for how I look. Second, my legs/feet. I was born with slightly inward-facing knees, and my feet are turned out. Naturally, this makes it difficult for me to run. 80% of the time I take a step while running, my knees smash into each other, which results in me either stumbling or completely falling over. Not only do I have to try not to trip on my own knees while running, but I als

-o must remain conscious of the direction my feet are facing (I have to actively tell myself to turn my feet in for me to not run like a duck..) This doesn't make it easy on me in gym during the mile run when I'm on my period and it feels like a knife is being twisted in my gut and I can hardly breathe because of my large chest (which also serve as added weights of sorts, except I have to literally hold them down with my hands) all while someone behind me is making fun of how I'm running. So yeah, gym is like 40 minutes of absolute humiliation in a class with only 1 other girl who has it just about as good as me and like 20 patronizing, privileged boys who do nothing but mock us and call us b****es and the f slur with 2 male teachers that only 1 of which has the slightest bit of empathy.

Next I wanna rant about my emotions n stuff. Even though I mostly keep my cool on here, I have pretty bad anger issues in real life. I can't handle being told to stop doing something, certain topics being used as jokes (regardless of tone, esp. about furries but I'm not talking about blatantly not okay topics like self h*rm and r***) I tend to react from my anger by violently (and uncontrollably) shaking, becoming very hot, going into a temporary catatonic state, crying, uncontrollable/obsessive scratching or gouging (in bad cases, subconscious self h*rm)- (cont in a bit)

shouting, cursing, and being unable to think or focus.

uhh done typing for now cuz i've lost all my inspired moodlets but might come back to this later 😀 UHH ALSO SORRY FOR NO TW SO UHM ⚠ TW FOR SELF H*RM & MANIPULATION ⚠

god i feel terrible talking about her now