im going to make an attempt to just stick to myself and learn more about myself instead of wishing i had someone to learn about. for years ive sort of lived by the fact that i was never going to date someone unless it was a close friends to partners situation and i knew them for a while,, i never really wanted to actively seek out someone to date. i understand that close connection doesnt exactly come easily or quickly so i dont want to keep searching for it. i often try to rush my connections with others desperately looking for what ive had in the past but i just gotta go with the flow yk ? i need to return to my nonchalantness, if someone ends up finding me one day so be it !

back to the self part, im trying to be more okay with the fact that i might never be like. one Set person if that makes sense? identity is heavily fluid and inconsistent, especially when youre young, so i cant really expect much, but like i said im just going with the flow. dissociating alot often makes me feel detached as HELL and so i have a very variable self-concept or identity, and sometimes i feel like shit i went through like. ruined me? made me unable to be a real person cause im just a personification of the trauma, but maybe every shard from the times i was shattered are falling into place like a mosaic of me,, itll make a coherent enough picture one day

anyway yeah. i am testing some new names ? not really actual names per say but nicknames moreso. i couldnt imagine actually changing my name from mika, thats the only name ive seriously clicked with 😭 since i am an astro copinglink / otherhearted i find it very comforting to be associated with him or identify heavily with him so im seeing about the nickname moon / moony .. even though i know nobody is calling me ts HELP but stuff is rlly stressful for me right now so im sort of being dragged back to astro again. i need to improve at drawing him cause i cant connect with kinsonas im deadass just drawing myself as him im barely coping even though everything sucks