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13.01.2022
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13.01.2022 11:52
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How patheticā€¦was the only thought in my head. I stood there looking at the wet grass,the sky was dark-a beautiful mixture of light and dark grays. All that I could hear was the pitter patter of rain hitting something solid-like the 3 looming graves in front of me. The concrete grave was shaped like the ones you see in regular graveyards,it was dull except for the dark engraved writing on it: ā€œHere lies Jasper Leeā€. Ugh the pit in my stomach got deeper just the thought of who the grave was forā€¦hurt. The smooth stone one looked a lot like the first one but a tad bit taller and the bass was much thicker but that was not what caught your attention,no it was the huge cross perched right on top of it. The dark engraving read:ā€Here lies August Leeā€. Hmm I felt like I was almost suffocating,like the air seemed thicker to even breathe inā€¦the pit grew bigger. And the last one-the black marble one was a simple shape,definitely standing out among the other ones. A square with a thick bass and grayish writing engraved in
13.01.2022 11:52
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it :ā€Here lies Naveen Bugsā€ and now I feel like Iā€™m fallingā€¦the rain use to feel a bit painful when it hit my skin,but Iā€™ve stood here so long that Iā€™m used to it. My suit drenched in the rain,my hair wet and curlyā€¦cold..yeah that's what I feel cold and hurt-I suddenly got snapped from my thoughts when I finally listened to my surroundings. Sobbing, terrible pain dwelling sobbing. Coming from the man next to me-Oh tobiasā€¦Iā€™m sorry I didnā€™t-....he hadnā€™t said anything to me since their deaths. He allowed the families to come and what not and didnā€™t cry until now. Know that itā€™s just usā€¦heā€™s sobbingā€¦I wish I could do thatā€¦but after 3 days of crying, I finally stoppedā€¦I donā€™t deserve to cryā€¦No,not after what happenedā€¦I felt a mixture of feelings, anger,disgust,sadness,guilt and numbnessā€¦I want to help but what if heā€™s mad at me?..What if he hates me?...or what if I just hurt him more?...Anxiety-really? At a time like thisā€¦fun..Hmmm a coping mechanism is to push it all down right,Jonathan?...copper taste appears
13.01.2022 11:53
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in my mouth..Blood..great. I had been biting my lip the entire time,and like a dumbass bite down harder in pure disgust and angerā€¦why angry? You may ask,well Iā€™m angry at myself for many thinks,that won't just leave me aloneā€¦and disgust is only pointed at myself for what I didnā€™t do and for even being alive..they should have survived not me..it isnā€™t fair, tho life isnā€™t fair so what did I expectā€¦
17.01.2022 04:06
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12:28 pm Ugh, I canā€™t sleepā€¦They keep flashing through my mindā€¦bloody and bruisedā€¦I sat up,slightly shaking the thoughts out of my mind. It only has been a couple hours since the funeralā€¦Mmh god I feel so tired yet donā€™t want to sleep..at least there's not little voices telling me how terrible I am..huh itā€™s nice to have kinda peace..who would thought that in the most ****ed up settings, someone can find peace..I stood up and walked to the bathroom. The light was dull and made the room look dead. I stood in front of the mirror, looking at myself. ā€œThat doesn't look like meā€¦ā€ I said in a low raspy whisper. I never realised how..ugly I looked. Big dark bags under my eyes, a dead look in my once cheerful blue eyes..I looked paler and skinnierā€¦my hair tangled and pointing every which way. Heh I guess I could always look worse-It just caught me off guard at how different I looked. I stood there examining myself for a few minutes, then decided to go see if Toby was awake. Maybe we could talkā€¦if he even wanted to
17.01.2022 04:07
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ā€¦he still hasnā€™t talked to me..but really who could blame him. I wouldnā€™t talk to me either-well if I had the choice too,to be honest. I walked back into my room-it was fairly clean for someone who is currintal in a depressive episode..Hah but trauma can always help with thatā€¦I really am my fathers son huhā€¦whatever I need to get in at least personable clothing. It was about 12:49 pm when I left my house. The cool damp Spring air hitting my skin right away. It was very cloudy,no moon or stars to be seen. But you could definitely tell it had rained, not only by the wet grass but also by the smell of-hhmm earth? I guess you could describe it as that, though it was a smell that mainly only came when it rained.
17.01.2022 04:08
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(just added second part to here ->- )
17.01.2022 07:57
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*sigh* heh here I amā€¦outside his hotel..with are messages open.. What should I say? Hey dude I drove 20 mins to see you in the middle of the night-yeah hell noā€¦****-what do I say?? **** this Iā€™ll just call him-...I clicked on the call icon and waited. The more I heard the ringing continue the nervouser I gotā€¦Hhhm maybe this was a terrible idea or what if heā€™s even more pissed off at me cause I woke him upā€¦Mmm if he didnā€™t hate me then heā€™s definitely gonna hate me now an-ā€Hello??ā€ a groggy man picked up-****..ā€h-Hey..uhm dudeā€ God why was it this hard to talk to one of my close friends?-...Heh I know the answer easilyā€¦because Iā€™m scared of his reaction,scared of how heā€™ll answerā€¦after a few minutes of silence,anxiety started to creep into me..ā€Jonathanā€¦why are you calling me at 1:10 am?ā€....ā€Toby Iā€™m so sorry-I know you probably hate me and-...ā€ ā€œJonni-ā€ ā€œI get it, that funeral should have been for me not for them-ā€ ā€œJONATHAN!!ā€ I jumped at the sudden lash out-ā€*sigh* dudeā€¦do you actually think I would hate
17.01.2022 07:58
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you for being the only survivor from the accident?ā€ He sounded hurt and his voice wavered a bit at the endā€¦what do I tell him? Yes? I mean that's what I thought,right?...feelings are hard sometimesā€¦you know,even though I know itā€™s Toby who yelled at me and who Iā€™m talking to..I still get a flashback to Jasper and Marsh arguing..no not arguing-Fightingā€¦It started off as a friendly joke, that turned very ugly fastā€¦Hmmā€¦I finally come back to my senses and relies heā€™s not talking or saying anything..did he hang up? I mean of course he did-I would probably do it if no one was saying anything to me either-ā€AAahhh!ā€ A knock came from my passenger window. A dark figure was standing outside the window,trying to peer inside. They knocked again-Ugh,I rolled my eyes while rolling the window down and to my surprise there stood- TOBY??!! Oh noā€¦he looked tired but also upset..****..ā€H-Hey strangerā€ I tired to lighten the atmoshere but failed miserablyā€¦ā€unlock the door Jonathanā€ he sounded-welp serious,and thatā€™s always a
17.01.2022 07:58
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a bad thing. I pushed the button on my driver door and the satisfying click was all you needed to hear to know that the door was unlocked. Which made me anxious and- Heh scared? Why? A somewhat tall Toby,stepped into the car-sitting in the warm seat and looking at the slightly glowing green stereo. Funny how the only thing that even told me he looked mad or ā€œupsetā€ was the slight green glow from the stereo-who I had turned off when I parked here minutes priorā€¦ā€Jonni..Iā€™m sorry I havenā€™t talked to you and asked how youā€™ve been since the accident..ā€ know that shocked me..He..was sorry for not being there for me? What why? He then looked at me with a mischievous look in his eyes ā€œJonathan,let's do something fun and probably illegalā€ He said though the only reason he wanted to that was solemnly because he didnā€™t want to talk about the accidentā€¦ā€Toby..You know we're gonna have to talk about it one day..right?ā€ ā€œyeah..*sigh* but I just wanna not think about it right nowā€¦I want to forget all the bad crap and
17.01.2022 07:58
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just have funā€¦ā€He was dealing with the same crap I was just less vividā€¦but he still had to do all the paperwork and whatnot just so we could have a funeralā€¦ and Iā€™m sure heā€™s having nightmaresā€¦screw it-let's try to have funā€¦that's what they would have wantedā€¦ ā€œ*sigh* okay,where are we going?ā€ A smile crept onto his face-Ugh this nights gonna be a long one,ain't it?...
17.01.2022 07:59
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(and more shall be added lol)
29.09.2022 05:18
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The morning was annoying, the sun hitting me in the eyes felt like fire. The throbbing pain in my head was equally annoying to deal with. I could easily get up and grab some medicine and drink some water but I didnā€™t want to move. Not because I was in pain,no, it was because I didnā€™t want to be flooded with bad thoughts and gruesome imagesā€¦I blinked open my eyes, the light causing slight irritation. My sight was a bit blurry, but I noticed the pictureā€¦. The one I hid in the back of my closet after the accident. I was surprisedā€¦I sat up and picked it upā€¦It was a very well taken picture. It had me-well my hair in fram- and Marsh looking hella happy, with Toby standing next to him. But the main focus was on the grooms. Jasper and August, crying and holding each other closelyā€¦I was taken aback from the memory and I teared up..I-How the hell did it get back here on my nightstand?? I was confused, I looked around and spotted the broken mirror and the fact that my room was trashed..I looked back at my bed.
29.09.2022 05:18
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Black bed sheets stained with darkish brown stainsā€¦and then I noticed my hand..Oh..my hand was covered in dried blood and gaping wounds that were nastily bruised and battered. Oh I see I had smashed my god damn mirrorā€¦ the mess was probably made by me as wellā€¦ That's why I donā€™t drink with Toby.. hehe godā€¦I smiled, I guess I now have to get up huh? I got up from my bed and carefully stepped past the broken glass-I didn't need to get my foot cut too-I walked to my bathroom and was shocked when I made eye contact with the bruise on my face. God I really should have said no to Tobias..ugh I groaned and started patching myself upā€¦ but anytime this happens and me and Toby get into trouble or I end up hurting myself I donā€™t actually mind. I always end up having fun with him so it doesn't bother me when I have to take care of myself or him after. God we havenā€™t haven't hung out in a long timeā€¦.Itā€™s nice. I walked to the kitchen and went to the pantry and grabbed the broom and dust pan. Ugh I really had no energy-
29.09.2022 05:18
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to clean the mess up but I also didnā€™t feel like cutting open my foot, so I started sweeping up the shattered glass up from my smooth wood floors. When I was done I clasped onto my lovely memory foam bed. I mean I wasnā€™t done cleaning,the smell of copper blood was a huge hint of that but I again had no energy. I layed there face down..my phone dinged and I picked it up,looking at who texted me. Oh of course-Toby.. [Hey man u up???] he texted like that all the time, funny thing was people never knew if he was hungover or just completely fine- I laughed out loud to myself. I texted back-A bit blinded by the bright ass light [ yeah, whatā€™s up Tobias?] He for once didnā€™t answer right back. Weird- the next thing I knew he sent a message [Just making sure you're alright Jonni ^^] Aww, my eyelashes felt heavier and the next thing I knew I was sleeping again.
29.09.2022 05:19
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*FLASHBACK We were just cruising on some road because Marsh wanted an adventure and I didnā€™t mind driving. It was peaceful and nice, music was playing from the stereo- from some weird country station. To me it was normal but to everyone they kinda hated the songs, so Augi connected his phone to the stereo and played his favorite songs. We would take turns to pick our favorite songs and just tell stories or jokes or just sometimes just stay quiet and enjoy each other's company. Jasper and Marsh started talking, it didnā€™t take long until they were arguing but me and august didnā€™t think anything about it. They would just end up changing the subject and start telling jokes again so we didnā€™t bother to worry,well until Marsh ended up turning around in his seat and grabbed Jasper's shirt. They were yelling at each other now, harsh words thrown at each other. August was crying and telling Jasper to stop it and just drop it. He of course didnā€™t- and I was trying to calm down Marsh. The fighting was bad,
29.09.2022 05:19
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they yelled and grabbed each other. I tried to focus on the road,ā€ MJ calm down please..ā€ I said as I put my hand on his shoulder. It startled me when he just pushed me hard out of the way. Not stopping once from his fight with Jasper, I heard August call out to me and then balckā€¦when I regained consciousness I was met with the most terrible sight in my lifeā€¦My friends beaten and bruisedā€¦blood dripping from them allā€¦Marsh had been impaled with some type of branchā€¦I almost pukedā€¦Jasper and August wereā€¦No..Dead..they all were dead.. The music still played out of a broken stereoā€¦the song now and forever will remind me of that terrible dayā€¦all I remember after is having nurses? Yeah-all around me saying stuff like ā€œheā€™s terribly hurt,hurry!!ā€ and wheeling me somewhere.. Then black againā€¦next thing I know is Iā€™m surrounded by my family andā€¦Tobyā€¦his face was grim, twisted in worry and sorrowā€¦You know we were on our way to see him but got sidetrackedā€¦I felt terrible and then 2 weeks later were at 3 gravesā€¦
29.09.2022 05:22
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I cried hard those first weeksā€¦feeling guilty and mad at myselfā€¦and in others eyes.. It wasnā€™t my fault right? But not in mine..somehow itā€™s all my faultā€¦.I woke up in a panic, drenched in sweatā€¦I was breathing hard, trying my best to calm myself downā€¦their voices were still ringing in my ears..ā€****ā€ I quitly wispered to myselfā€¦ my hand was in a bit of pain but I completely ignored it..My mind was awake now and I was on the verge of a panic attackā€¦greatā€¦But got snapped straight back to reality when I felt something move from under my sheets. ā€œWhat the-ā€ I whelped,jumping away a bit ā€œHmm?? Teadybear, you alright?ā€ I hear the most familiar voice-ā€Oh..God I forgot you came over..ā€ **** she scared the shit out of me..I layd back down. I curled into her, taken in her welcoming and comforting aura. I needed confort, and I was glad she was there.. God I really wish I could forget the accidentā€¦
29.09.2022 05:25
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šŸ‘
13.01.2022 12:41
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I love the writing in this, Jonni. This is beautiful-
13.01.2022 13:23
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Aww thank you-but its nothing compared to yours or Naveens u-u Thank tho Augi<3
16.01.2022 15:37
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This is really cool, I felt like I was reading a actual book
16.01.2022 22:36
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Awww thanks^^
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