But I’m a just vent down here so tw? I think

I bet everyone who’s decided to take their shit out on me tonight is laughing lmao

I’m laughing too At how stupid I was to think I could try to fix anything

Now look at me I’m still sick Still alone Still hurt

Every single weekend

I swear to god 😂

Literally getting into an argument with someone who you considered your friend when you’re already low on friends? Great move

I keep getting the “you haven’t changed” comment I have no idea what they keep seeing but look who’s trying to get better and look who’s placing the blame It doesn’t match up

For ****s sakes, I tell myself all the time I don’t want to hang around pessimists because they piss me off beyond belief But now guess what? I think they might have a method to their madness Letting it out in the moment instead of holding it in? I am getting soooo SICK of holding it in Every morning I get up Go to school and I can’t. I can never mind the motivation to do work- And when I go up to people who are my so called “friends” They walk away when I’m talking “No one wants to sit next to you because you freak them out” Lane said that to my face And when he said that? I held it in- So now every time I go to school and go up to someone who I want to talk to, when they walk away? I remember what he said And hold it in I go to class and get distracted, lose my motivation- my teacher calls my parents- and I hold it in Next thing I’m at lunch, no where to sit because no one wants me around, I might be over dramatic but hey- I hold it in Next period I go to a class where this

Dickhead won’t stop calling me she/her even after I asked the teacher politely to talk to him- or I’m in a A day class where this narcissistic asshole thinks he can touch me and steal my shit- and I hold it in, because no matter how many teachers I tell THEY DONT DO SHIT In my last period I’m so exhausted that I lay my head down and hold back tears- when I try to nap the teachers need to keep me up so I can do work But I can’t Because I’m so so exhausted And I have no right But I start crying And ridiculing myself for not doing any work Telling myself I won’t get anywhere if I don’t do anything And I still don’t do it, so they call my parents And I hold it in I go home, and my day is immediately better when I see Tyson But I’m so ****ing exhausted that when I go to my room and lay down? I don’t wake up for hours So I don’t get to see my dog, or eat dinner half the time And then I have to go back to school the next day Do it all over again

And I can’t I’m so so tired And I keep wondering if I’m losing people because I’m doing something wrong or because I’m boring- because I try! I try so so hard to come home after school, get on, say hello to a couple people and I try hard to make something positive out of my day But I just I can’t anymore And then people have to come out, rubbing it in my face about whatever the hell THEYRE MAD AT And I’m sick I’m throwing up in the bathroom and I’m also trying to talk shit out But they don’t understand me And half the time my teachers don’t understand me And my mom doesn’t understand me at all She thinks I’m filthy and the one mistake god made because I’m transgender And I don’t get it I don’t get why I don’t want to know why I don’t know what I’m doing wrong because I’m not doing anything wrong I’m taking care of myself and trying to talk to people but they don’t understand

I want them to come back To hold me To tell me it’ll be alright Kiss me and hug me and never touch me the wrong way, I want to be spoiled and cuddled, tucked into bed with a movie turned on, never talked to in a way that makes me feel dirty- I want to be held so so close, never let go of, feeling clean and warm- for them to respect me and I try so so hard So hard to get someone to at least notice it when I’m upset- because maybe they’d tell me that what happened today was bad but it’ll be good tomorrow- and at least reciprocate HALF of what I give to others- I try too damn hard for this selfish greedy world I try too hard for perverse and needy people I try too hard for even myself and I can’t I’m giving it my all I don’t understand! I don’t understand why they keep leaving me And I keep telling myself that it’s because they’re selfish and won’t talk to me about what they need, but it’s also me No one can understand what I need and I don’t I don’t want them to because when the time comes I want

When the time comes I need someone to take care of me No matter how many times they cross my boundaries, hurt me and use me I still want them to take care of me and I know it’ll never happen because they’re either selfish, perverted or want something out of it and I can’t I don’t see why you can’t reciprocate what I’m giving you I’m giving you my all and you’re yelling at me and hurting me and I don’t get it

Six attempts on my own life and somehow I’m still alive and they kept telling me it’s for a reason but I don’t care how many times I need to try now I just want to go away I just want to be in my head I love what’s in my head My characters My stories It’s all so amazing to me I love it so so much And when I’m in reality the only things I love are Tyson and my plants but I can’t focus on that because then I’ll have a panic attack and I won’t be able to get my work done and get even more behind in school and it’ll keep happening

I’m so so done I want to sit on call with him again Fall asleep to his voice Hearing him tell me it’s gonna be okay Calling me bud because he wants me to feel safe Talking to me gently His voice I really really miss his voice I love his voice he calms me down so so much and I miss him so much it’s been eleven days since we’ve talked and I can’t do this without him I can’t do this

I can’t remember anything from when I was small and I want to do it- I want to just be a little kid again and not have to worry, someone always there to hold me and care for me I don’t want to grow up into this selfish world I can’t I don’t want to I love him And I need him right now I just- I don’t care what he says Literally he could tell me to kill my self and I wouldn’t care because he at least commented At least he wouldn’t be the first to tell me to do so tonight

No because I have every right to feel this way

I don’t have to feel like shit forever but for ****s sakes I’m allowed to sit with my feelings as long as I need to

I have every right to want what I want To feel how I feel My life Is shitty yes But I can do this I don’t need to hang out around hypocrites That’s all I seem to befriend lately- “Oh I don’t like them they’re horrible to me” Literally becomes friends again a week later “You hurt me and i told someone else!” Literally not even communicating your problem in the first place This is the shit I have to deal with at school And Nope Im done I don’t care if you don’t like my art or personality Because I love me for me Go cry about it Stop acting on your insecurities and attacking people I’m trying to heal and so help me god if you get in the way? Bye bye 🤠

Read your comments while I was typing and thank you so much it means a lot, sorry if it seemed I was ignoring you

HRGRHGTRX I LOVE YOUUU 😭😭😭