Because I cannot seem do work when it's laid out in front of me, and I bottle up my emotions because I don't like to be seen crying. also 2nd/3rd/7th grade when I had horrible horrible thoughts that I still have from time to time.

it is what it is sadly, can't change the past, and can't know about the future. All anyone can really do is try and push, and hope. That will power died in me a long time ago though.