man god I like being her dom every once in a while but ffs I hate having to be it all the time it's exhausting. Like I'm fine doing it most of the time bc I understand her domming makes her uncomfy most times but all the time? I think the reason she got even more uncomfy with doing it recently is bc I was being VERY desperate for it but idk. It just sucks that I have to be her dom permanently bc I can't break up with her (I'm scared I wont find anyone better and I'm attached to her and I'll prolly kms or just have a horrible life and everything will go downhill and I'll live on the streets and she's the reason that I think a life with her would make me a productive member of society) but ig I'll just ****ing deal with it so I can be with her. She's forgiven me for cheating on her and smoking when she's told me she doesn't want me to. But ffs it's the only reason I can get through my days without crying mid class. But mostly I just like spending time with my other friend bc she's nice and let's me hit off her-

Cart and when she holds it for me when I hit it makes me feel happy too bc yk I have a fat crush on her 🤭 but she's judgemental unlike my gf and yk for good reason but im into some uhhhhh weird stuff and my gf never judged me for that and even did some of the "odd" things I wanted, yk just to make me happy. Like she's so forgiving and nice and unjudgemental. It just makes me upset that she said she was pan when we first met and for do long now ive been having a hard time figuring out my gender identity and I thought that her being pan would mean I have some wiggle room and still be able to be with someone I love. But suddenly she's only attracted to masc dudes. It's just so unfair. She didn't want to break up and I can't either. I can't stand the thought of her unhappy or crying and I can't see her every day in the halls or every P day in spanish. It just makes me miserable. All I want is for her to be happy. Neither of us wants to break up. And since she didn't want to come to a compromise so I just gave-

Up and decided I'll just do whatever she wants and lie to her just so she'll stay with me. But even when im with her I keep getting crushes on people and wishing I was with them instead but God I just can't bring up the will to break up w/ her

And by crush I mean I think im in love with her, eveeytime I'm around her im so nervous, I mean the za helps but dam she's so pretty and I hate that she's insecure and I just wanna make her feel better abt herself. I love her "messed up" teeth. I love her dumb stoner laugh. I love the jokes she makes. I love her music taste omg. I love that she puts up with me and let's me vent to her like she's so easy to just talk to. She's so pretty and nice and perfect I ****ing hate her ex so much he was a dick. I don't know a whole lot abt him but ik he was manipulative and guilt trippy and I think rly negative towards her abt her body which is so fun dumb like he knew she didn't like her body. But idk if that's true at all I might be making shit up. I hate her asshole narc parents and the way they treat her. I hate how her mom literally wouldn't care if she khs. I hate how her mom doesn't care abt her mental health. But as i said before I rly like when she holds her cart and lets me hit from it hehsgdsh