It starts out as a kind of heavy feeling. like that one hair in particular is just heavier than the rest or is itchy but scratching doesn’t really reach the source of the sensation. Sometimes when I’m rubbing my face I find myself probing for hairs that feel slightly thicker or longer than the others (I pull eyebrows and eyelashes). That part is pretty passive, basically a habit. It might be caused by anxiety because it seems to happen while I’m in class or studying or thinking too much about something. It comes and it goes. I have been more stressed recently so I figure that’s why it has gotten worse. I have done this since I was 7, and it started by just seeing someone else gently pull a loose lash from their lid. Anywho, Then once I find the hair that sticks out or feels different than everything around it, the compulsion begins. It almost feels how I imagine OCD feels when those people are compulsively turning the lights on and it has to be 3 times or they have to go back and do it again, or when somet

hing is out of place in your house and you just HAVE to move it. It’s something so simple to do, you feel the urge to do it, and it’s like right there so why wouldn’t you? It’s like the urge to pee, but in a psychological form instead of physical. You could surely hold it if you really try, but it will be nagging at you the whole time for at least an hour. It would just be easier to go and pee- or in this case pull the hair out. I feel the urge in my fingertips like they want to be pressed down around a hair. But then I pull that first hair and it’s almost as if it triggers a positive feedback cycle. Imagine the muffled sound of a suction cup pulling off of glass or the shower wall. Now if you could feel that sound instead of hearing it, that’s kind of how it feels to pull that hair out. It’s such a weird and interesting feeling. It is also coupled with a feeling of gratification. Not much, I don’t necessarily feel as though I have achieved anything great. I do, however, feel a little satisfaction that

the weird/longer/thicker/curlier hair is gone. Then for some reason we have to look at the hair, as a fisherman might appraise a fish he has caught determining whether or not he should keep it or throw it back. I have to look at the hair, and if it is a particularly dark or long or kinked in a weird way, then i feel further satisfaction in the form of validation. Almost like I was right to pull that hair because just look at it! And I like to look at the hair bulb/root. It’s almost like the bigger it is the better. Bigger roots provide bigger resistance and a more pronounced suction cup releasing feeling when I pull it out. Of course this doesn’t hurt. like cracking your knuckles it hurts less the more you do it and slowly starts to feel more like a need. You would think that would be the end of it, but that’s not what happens for me. I crave that satisfaction again. It’s like an addiction where each time I do it gives me just enough pleasure to reinforce the behavior, but each time I pull I get less

of that feeling. So I end up compulsively searching for more weird hairs and pulling those out and looking at them, but it becomes almost frantic. I soon stop searching for weird hairs and just pull out the closest hair I can feel. I stop examining them and just let them fall onto my desk or floor or lap. I pull and pull until I realize that I am getting swept up in the motion. By then it’s too late. my eyelashes are gone or half my eyebrow is missing. I look in the mirror and only feel more anxiety: what will people think? somebody is gonna say something. What if I pick up my neglected eyeliner pencil and color in my eyebrows? Or if I just put eyeliner on my lids then people won’t be able to tell that I don’t have lashes anymore. That could work, but then people will wonder why I suddenly started doing my make up. I bought fake lashes a few weeks ago, but that would be even more weird and simply doesn’t feel like me. I had a stress ball that I tried which did occupy my hand, but didn’t help with the u

rge. I tried chewing gum or candy to try to distract myself, scratching my leg instead, picking or chewing my nails- basically just trying to replace the habit. That doesn’t work. Recognizing signs isn’t really an option because sometimes it comes and sometimes it doesn’t. Wearing makeup works a little bit because it reinforces the idea that “i don’t wanna mess up my make up,” but then mascara causes that heavy feeling on my lashes and the impulse is back. I’d like to remove stress from my life but nursing school doesn’t really allow for that. I would like to utilize more time to myself, but again.. school. Also though I think back to the fact that I have been plucking impulsively since I was about 7, so maybe school isn’t the main issue. idk.