around a month ago, i tried killing myself it was kinda spur of the moment i was stressed as hell, i had just relapsed, i didn’t really think i had a chance my sister was gone so i had most of the house to myself i recently was prescribed ibuprofen, so i had grabbed a bit of that, i think maybe 4 pills and i grabbed a thc gummy from my sisters room i locked myself in the bathroom i wrote some shitty will in the notes app and sent a text to my friend i hyped myself up the mirror i leaned against the wall, sobbing cliché as hell ik i heard scratching socks i let him in, hugged him a bit but then i realized, this was stupid i was gonna die for a stupid reason

i took 2 of the pills, and vomited immediately i vomited for a bit i was crying obviously socks kept rubbing against me i cut up my arms a bit with scissors i had found i wanted to cut deep enough to end it but i couldn’t i let it bleed for a bit finally i calmed down enough to walk out and grab the first aid kit and rubbing alcohol i was wearing long sleeves it was a christmas sweater i wrapped my arm in the bandages i don’t like the sight of blood, especially if it’s fresh i gagged a bit but tried keeping myself calm it was kinda a wake up call i never really made an attempt like this, and when i did try something serious i backed out at the last minute

i sat on the floor, staring at my phone my hands were shaking i think it was late i was tired i walked out of the bathroom again and grabbed a soda those usually made me sleepy i kept vomiting whether it be from the weird mix of drugs in my body, or just being disgusted with myself socks was sleeping on a towel that was in the tub i grabbed the gummy, and ate it i promised i wouldn’t do it again but i just wanted to feel something other than disgust i was kinda out of it for a bit still on my phone i eventually passed out

i woke up at maybe 2am socks wanted out so i opened the door i showered i crawled into my bed plugged my phone it i drew something some shitty drawing of chole chole is my favorite i stared at the ceiling, my stomach hurt i felt weird for a bit my brain was static only thinking 5 seconds ahead my internal clock was ****ed up i showered at 11pm and went to bed at 1am for a solid week and then it hit me i needed help i wanted to get better i made myself suffer for so long i could get help, but i just refused it i was in denial

32 days i’ve been clean for a month i’m not happy, but i’m content i hang out with my friends now i try and make the best of it i’m getting therapy i don’t know how long i’ll make it, but i’m trying to go for as long as i can i still have these thoughts, but i try and push them away yada yada smtn about mental health here