-because in my mind, the entire time i was just trying to protect myself, and these people are hurting me for it, and that causes that vengeful shit to start and it just repeats itself. and i think im realizing that ive been stuck in this mindset for like. a really long time? or at least just generally a bunch of really bad mindsets and im not sure how to get out of any of it or improve myself other than just.. stop.. doing thing? without fixing the actual mindset behind thing because i dont know how and have never been taught how and dont know how to. teach myself. how? i guess? so ive just been restraining myself this entire time which is better than nothing it just makes it pile up i guess but, my mental health is not an excuse. i just want to explain why i did what i did, i guess? i promise you the logical part of my brain does not want to hurt anyone and im disgusted at the things ive done and said in anger because that angry vengeful part of my brain wanted to "get back"

-at people for some percieved wrongdoing that in reality was just them.. associating with ice what i did was incredibly ****ed up and uncalled for and i apologize. people shouldn't have to babysit me and pity me every time i feel bad and im sorry i keep failing to understand that. and im sorry that i guilt tripped people into doing so. my shitty coping mechanisms and lack of actual healthy outlets affected everyone. it hurt a lot of people one way or another and ive probably alienated a lot of people with this and that's fine, and i accept that. and i don't blame you. i hate feeling like im spewing the same shit every time i **** up and make an apology and i want to say that ill change, ill do better, it won't happen again and while i do still hope that'll happen and i am going to try my best to make it happen, it won't happen here, if the last few years have proved anything. tonight (not just my actions on here, but what i am currently procrastinating on my writing this right now, actually)

(in real life, i mean) has kind of. i feel like pulled away a barrier that i put up so i could ignore just how bad my mental health was (not consciously, i think?) and made me realize holy shit i am. way worse off than i thought i need to get a grip before i get even worse and i really don't think being online is going to help me in any way im going to be leaving all of my social media platforms for at least a little while. i will definitely be off of flipanim, though. ive needed a break from this site for a WHILE, and this time im actually going to force myself off. its time i actually try to learn self control and stop coming back five hours later. but im also leaving my other platforms just so.. i guess i dont just do what i do on fa, somewhere else? and i have some time to actually think about how to change and what i need to change in order to actually become better and not just have to restrain myself from doing shitty things

i dont blame you if you think im a bad person. i don't blame you if you want to distance yourself from me or cut me off alltogether. i don't blame you if you hate me now. i accept that as my punishment for my actions and i promise that me basically dropping off the face of the earth for a minute or two is not just me trying to escape that like it admittedly has been in some small capacity every time i just go hide. small, but still there. ive ****ed up, ive been ****ing up, my actions have hurt a lot of people including myself and its time i stop convincing myself that this minor change will make me a better person, because it hasn't and it's not. and im sorry that i thought it was when, clearly, nothing's actually changed. i don't know if ill come back to fa. i really hope not. i think everyone deserves to just be done with me and my bullshit and i need to get off of here and make more of an effort to be better if i actually want to be a good person like ive been claiming