Wonder why I did rate for rate? To see how many hearts I would break.

My parents noticed my sudden happiness. They really have. At least Zayden nor Rue nor Jaden (irl friend) nor Noah nor Chloe (either of them) nor Alex nor any of the others know.

If only I could call him and tell him. It pains me to cry at all. It pains me to do it silently, too. I could be caught at any moment. Oh, how I miss them. Hunter, especially. So many people miss him. He wasn’t even a human being. And he didn’t choose to go. I want him back. I miss him waiting for me at my desk every day after school.

Hunter, Megan, Chewy, Leo, Bob, Big Big, Murphy, Miles, Blue, Tweety, Gizmo, Gizmo the Second, Bitty, Milo, Harry. The others. All the nonhumans hurt more.

Hunter Hirt the most. Oh god. Why do I have to cry in the middle of the night? Why can’t this be like old times, where I could actually sleep?

Thinking about Heather makes me want to kick her out. Tell father, at least, to kick her out. Then we could have someone like Hunter. Someone almost like him, but different.

I want them back. I want my old life back. I wish it were one year ago, when I was actually having a slightly bad time, with Hunter by my side, and Surai just moved into the city. When Noah would chase me around the gym. When everyone called me “Pigeon.” When we could play instruments in the hallways and no one cared. When we could sneak our phones around and wear hoodies and skate on the ice made by compacted snow with nothing more than “cheap” old sneakers between classes.

When we could make songs and give them to each other and sing them during Lunch. Or accidentally cut our hands with the thin, cheap knives in art class and then laugh the pain away. When we could lay under the sun and climb on trees at lunch and jump off of high places and not get hurt at all.

I miss last year. It was crappy gradewise, but I miss my old nicknames. They were all cute and fuzzy My irl one was given to me forcefully. By teachers. And I hate it. It makes the problems worse. I just want my life back. Is that much to ask?

I want a cucumber and Hunter for some odd reason. And celery. I think I’m telling myself something and I don’t know it. That’s an issue about me. My subconscious hints about what’s wrong to my conscience and my conscience doesn’t understand it.

I think I know why (^) but I could be wrong. I want cucumbers like from my actual life. Before the facade. Before Heather and Kevin wouldn’t stop fighting. Before Bub. Before everything. I want celery because it reminds me of Grace and Julia and Allen. And my old life shortly after the facade fell the first time. I was about four. Only one day falls in mind. I had dance class with Julia that day. We were on the balance beams that day. Those ones that are not far from the ground. They day we licked each other’s bacon lollipops and decided they were the best flavor ever. I saw Grace after that. On a play date. We were drawing and playing on her swing set and in her rice box (sand box but better). And eating celery on her bench swing in the backyard. After that? We went to my street and played on the playground at the end of the road. And we saw Pickles the Rabbit. Until sunset.

I miss Hunter, and that is clear as hell. I just generally miss him. Even in his final days. He was my big brother, except a cat. I could vent to him and leave my life behind and fall asleep in the middle of the day with him. We’d watch TV and he wouldn’t give me the remote. He’d sit on it and make me cuddle him. He’d try to draw if I left my markers out. He always begged for me when he was sad, or when his nails were getting trimmed. He followed me everywhere practically, and I could tell he couldn’t walk well, so I soundly move much and leave space for him everywhere.

This probably makes no sense to all of you. But it’s clear to me.

No. Not at all