It makes me sound like a spoiled brat bit nothing ever goes my way I can't just have ONE THING it always has to screw up and it's not fair It's like the universe is taking things away from me to see how much longer I can last I'm so close I know I am Maybe I'm just not meant to get through this Maybe I'm just MEANT to kill myself

I sound like such a drama queen but I know if someone else was in the same predicament as I am They'd feel the same

I feel like in just so close to the edge And then something great happens Like getting genshin or when I just got the new iPad But it's always been this way Whenever I have something that makes me happy something or someone has to mess it up I can't have my girlfriend I can't have a service dog I can't have one day off of school I can't do anything anymore! I just want a break I can't do this anymore I can't just keep going through this stupid cycle!

And of course I can't do anything right...

God who even cares anymore They've all left me alone They They aren't here anymore Everyone Everyone I used to be on call with every night But now I only have one person to do that with and he's always so distant It's nice having him just sit there with me but **** it hurts to just know that if that one person they adore so much were to ask to call they'd just- never stop talking It hurts to just know you'll never be anyone's first choice

I'm just- a circumstance

I keep asking myself why I'm venting when it never helps And I don't I don't know why

I just keep hoping that one day someone will notice and someday they'll stay.

But thanks to intimacy issues I can't I can't do that I can't have anyone by my side because I'll destroy them I'll break them down I made Charles tired of me I made Elliot and his friends always on guard around me even rose Gah. They go away a lot now and I know it's out of their control but it just feels like pity

I want to be someone's first choice I keep telling people I'm going to help them, I'm going to save them but I'm the one that needs to be saved! It's not fair that I have to cheer them up when they do nothing in return

I want to claw at my throat and rip out a major artery just because I'm alone.

I don't know how to feel I hate everyone and everything because I'm abandoned? Or that I want to be held so close, and be told I'll always be taken care of? I don't want killing myself to be the only way out of this I want to live I want to be an adult I want to live to be happy I want to live

But I'm just one stupid teenager in 1.7 billion people And people die everyday A lot are suicides. I just wish there could've been a better way out for me I want to live this stupid fantasy of living life on the road and being happy all around the place, constantly looking for things that make me smile with someone right beside me I want to live out that stupid fantasy so bad But it's romanticized Because I can't imagine how many people die from just trying to check their wheels

I want to live in an anime Where some insignificant person Becomes the very being of someone else Where they learn to love life To never be ashamed of who they are I want to adventure and have adventures with a cute little squad of miscreants

But living in my own head had become a chore recently Theres no way out