My buddy Keith tried camping out on top of a building once. He was shooting crows, but the police were too busy teargassin' him to ask what he was doin' up there. He screamed for an entire year every single time he opened his eyes! Oh, man! At first, it was funny; then it just got sad, but then it got funny again! Oh, man!

I ever tell you about the time me and Keith made a homemade bumper car ride with ridin' mowers in his backyard? Mower blade wounds over 90% of his body. I didn't run him over, either; he somehow managed to fall under his own

I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith drowned in the Tunnel of Love? You wouldn't think it could happen 'cause the water's so shallow, but that's how it gets you, man. Overconfidence. Keith was with his lady at the time, and he was yellin' for her to save him, but she didn't want to get wet

I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith fell out the rollercoaster? Yeah, he didn't drop far, mind you, just onto the tracks, but the carnival people wouldn't stop the ride 'cause all the other people paid good money and Keith snuck on for free, so he had to dodge for, like, 20 minutes or so

I ever tell you about the time my buddy Keith and I were on the top of a burnin' building, and we had to fight our way down like five floors of zombies and― Hey, wait a second...I guess that was you guys. Oh, shit, man, I can't wait to tell Keith about that one!

My buddy Keith lived in a graveyard once for a whole year. It wasn't a dare or nothin', he just got kicked out of his house. He said he NEVER saw a single ghost 'cept for this one time when a ghost stabbed him from behind and took all his money, and he might've just been a homeless guy, 'cause he had a robe on with two eyes cut out his face

This one time, my buddy Keith, on a DARE, got a tattoo: "I'm a moron" right across his forehead, man. 'Course, he made two hundred bucks off that, so...you ask yourself: Who's the REAL moron?

This one time, my buddy Keith started up a historic tour, on account of his mom took him to Colonial Williamsburg, and it's like a license to print money at them places. Now, you might ask yourself how an honest attempt to recreate the majesty of Colonial times turned into raccoon fights at five bucks a pop in Keith's backyard, ha-ha. Man, the answer to that particular question is that Keith is sharing a place with his two brothers and them being assholes who wouldn't let them do it anywhere but the backyard; well, add that to Keith didn't technically have any, y'know, history to put on display, but he did have a whole family of raccoons living in the chassis of an old car and you'd begin to understand