because i have motivation for no reason

venting here so tw. i hate pretty much every aspect of myself lol. and it's getting difficult for me to take care of myself not and im not really sure if im actually going to get better bc every time i stop myself from cutting it gets worse when i relapse again. also i think im developing something really bad and i dont want to self-diagnose but imm having trouble eating as well?? and i fixate on what i've eaten and how many calories i have a day and it doesnt leave my mind anymore it's like im constantly focused on how much or how little ive eaten everyday and im hungry but i dont want to eat anything because i dont want to gain any weight

vent over